Fashion Advice Needed

I must attend an awards banquet next week for an association that my firm is very involved with. There will be many clients and many more potential clients in attendance. It is "cocktail attire" and I will have to leave straight from the office.

So, what the heck do I wear? Anything in my current wardrobe that might approximate cocktail is definitely not work appropriate, nor something that I would want to wear in a business setting. (I have ample cleavage and it is hard to find cocktail attire that does not draw attention to this attribute. Not that I mind too much since I was called "2x4" in high school and the girls are holding up pretty well considering I breastfed three children. But in business settings I prefer to be noticed for my brains and not my other assets.)

Can I get by with wearing a suit, or do I need to wear a dress? It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to go find a little black dress that I could throw a cardigan over during the day and remove for evening--but I don't have a ton of time to go shopping before this event.

And, no, there's no one to ask, since I'm the only girl in the office. The guys will definitely just wear their suits. Also, this industry organization is heavily male-dominated, so nearly all of the other females in attendance will be spouses--not sure if that makes a difference or not.

P.S. This is my 750th post--woot!

LC is too busy to blog.

Work has been insane. Between a mediation the end of this month, a trial in early May and a whole mess of other cases, I am barely keeping my head above water. I've been trapped in doc review hell for the last several weeks, and every time I turn around there are more documents. I've been doing electronic review every night from my laptop trying to get caught up. And then today I learned that the other side is producing a 145 gig hard drive. Sigh.

Yesterday, I f'd up big time and inadvertently produced privileged docs. Fortunately, opposing counsel was kind enough to point out my mistake (because there was a big green stickie on the docs that said "Privileged") and swears he didn't review them. And my boss didn't even yell at me. He just said "it happens, and we were lucky that opposing counsel was honest." Then when I joked that I was afraid I needed to start packing up, he assured me that I was very well regarded in the firm and that my hard work was very much appreciated and I was not going anywhere anytime soon.

Our new attorney is supposed to be taking some of the heat off of me, but I haven't noticed it much yet. But he did accompany me to an offsite doc review today. I felt like I had a bodyguard. He's a 6'6" bodybuilder and was wearing a black suit. He definitely gets the attention of every passing female.

I will definitely be going in to the office this weekend--something I've avoided since I started with this firm in August. But I have to work on our position paper for mediation and ID our exhibits. I guess the good news is that I am making up for all the hours I was short over the past couple of months while travelling during MIL's illness.

Tomorrow I'm getting sworn into my 2nd federal court bar. Partner said to review the local rules tonight because some of the judges will quiz you. Like I have nothing better to do. Fortunately I'm pretty well acquainted with the local rules because I am anal retentive about following procedure.

So this was rambling and random, but it's all I've got.

Trying to get back to normal

We are trying to get some sense of normalcy back in our lives. We spent the weekend running errands, picking up the house, fixing the bathtub issue, paying bills and just generally trying to get back on track. I spent a good part of Sunday cooking meals for the next couple of weeks. It is so nice to have homecooked food. We have really been eating a lot of crap lately and have the extra pounds to show for it.

We took PS to see Alice in Wonderland Saturday night. She is a huge Tim Burton and Johnny Depp fan and loved it. I thought it was ok, but expected it to be better than it was.

I also booked us in a cabin for Memorial Day weekend. Right on the river, with fishing off the back deck. I'm not so big on fishing, but spending a weekend at a cabin in the woods, relaxing on a deck overlooking the river sounds like the best vacation ever right about now. We'll wait a few weeks and ask FIL if he would like to join us.

Work is ok. We finally hired another attorney, which takes some of the heat off of me (and means I'm no longer the low man on the totem pole--good news in this economy!). I had been working my tail off last month trying to stay ahead of my deadlines since I knew I would be out for several days at some point. Now I can maintain a slightly more relaxed pace, but I have a mediation the end of this month and a trial that is 85% sure to go in May.

Hopefully no more chaos will be thrown our way for a while, because I have been operating at maxium capacity and really need some down time. (And by down time I mean only raising 3 kids and working 10 hour days.)

My baby's growing up

PS is finishing up her final year of elementary school and will be heading off to middle school next year. I can't believe that my curly-topped chubby baby isn't a baby anymore--or that I am old enough to have a child in 7th grade.

Last week her school sent home packets of information about scheduling and elective selection for next year, and Thursday evening PS and I toured the school. They are in a brand-new school with every amenity (including a $13 million natatorium right next door) and all of the kids are issued laptops. This school district is the reason I have a 45-minute commute to work.

We met her GT English teacher for next year, and the class sounds like it will be lots of fun. As soon as we walked in, we saw that the kids were assigned "The Giver" to read over the summer. I exclaimed, "Oh, look, we already read 'The Giver' trilogy, so you'll be a step ahead," and was quickly admonished and told that I should review the published suggested reading lists for schools in my state and avoid those books. Umm, ok, whatever. So I'm not supposed to let my kids read great books because she might read them later in school? I received a similar lecture from PS's second grade teacher because she had already read all of the Ramona Quimby books.

Overall, I was quite impressed with the middle school course options. Pre-AP courses are available in all core classes, and electives included the standards like band, art and theater, but also some that sounded more like high school courses like "Aerospace Career Portal."

Our only hang-up for choosing electives is the PE credit. PS wanted to take soccer, but it is not offered for credit. Her athletics choices are basketball, volleyball and gymnastics, cheer and drill team. Basketball, volleyball and gymnastics require try-outs and it seems unlikely that PS would make the teams without experience. Of course she could just take PE, but none of the "cool" kids ever take PE. Which leaves her with the choice of cheer or drill team. Neither is especially appealing to PS, but I think she is going to go with cheer.

I don't usually care what the cool kids are doing, but PS is a bit socially awkward and I'll do whatever I can to give her a boost through the tough middle school years. I hope joining a team will help her make a core group of friends, because I'm afraid she'll end up a loner if she only takes classes and electives that don't require a lot of group involvement. Now is when I question my decision to accelerate her in kindergarten. She is the youngest and shortest in her class. I wouldn't say that she is immature, but she's the nerdy smart kid who just isn't interested in the same things as her peers. I know that she'll come in to her own eventually (probably in college), but I fear the middle school years will be really, really hard on her.

So I'll continue to push her academically (I've already informed her that all of the pre-AP courses are non-negotiable), but I'll also encourage her to do cheer and theater and other classes that will help her make friends and give her confidence.

Seriously???

We had the rosary for MIL on Tuesday and the funeral on Wednesday. We drove home Thursday. We probably would have stayed through the weekend, but PS had her "transition to middle school" program Thursday night, and it seemed like something that we really needed to attend. (And it was, but that is a whole other post.) We got home yesterday with just enough time for me to drop off DH and the twins and head over to the middle school with PS.

I returned to work today, and met the family for dinner this evening. DH and I planned to watch a movie together tonight and to spend our first weekend at home in a month relaxing. The best laid plans...

Shortly after arriving home from dinner, TT informed us that there was dog barf in the upstairs hall . . . and the game room . . . and their bedroom. Then, when PS was headed to the pantry to look for carpet cleaner, I heard, "Mo-oommm, the ceiling is dripping."

Oh yes, a huge water stain on my kitchen ceiling. Which just happens to be directly below the upstairs bathroom. And of course, there is no easy way to access the kitchen ceiling--there is only about a 10" gap between the first and second floors through which the HVAC, plumbing and electrical lines are run and the only access is either through the ceiling downstairs or through the floor upstairs.

We suspected that the upstairs bathtub is the culprit, so DH sawed a hole in the wall of the linen closet to investigate. As suspected, the floor beneath the tub is soaked, and it looks like the drain is leaking. We can probably repair the drain without too much trouble, but it is nearly impossible to tell the extent of the damage between the floors unless we remove the bathtub and cut a hole in the floor below. Or cut a hole in my kitchen ceiling. The floor beneath the bathroom will be less noticeable, but removing the tub doesn't sound like fun.

Let's see, in the last week my MIL died, my car was hit, I got a speeding ticket, my animals barfed all over my carpet, and my bathtub is leaking through a floor and ceiling. What have I done to upset the cosmos?

Death and Life

MIL passed away Saturday night. We drove in late Friday after work, and so we were with her on Saturday when she passed. In the end, she went peacefully--for which we are thankful because much of the last few weeks has not been peaceful.

Of course, the last three days have been chaos--a state that seems to have become the norm. After she passed away on Saturday we packed up everything that we had brought to hospice for the nearly month-long stay and waited for the funeral director to arrive. We finally arrived back at FIL's house around midnight, and pulled into the driveway behind FIL to unload the car.

This morning, FIL pulled out of the driveway, forgot we were parked behind him, and never saw our Suburban before he backed into it. FIL so did not need that! It did a fair amount of damage, and the Suburban cannot be driven until it is repaired. Fortunately, my brothers-in-law are car guys and are working to make the mechanical repairs. The body damage isn't too bad, so hopefully no insurance claim will be required. In the meantime, I borrowed my grandfather's Crown Victoria. Nothin' like cruisin' in the old folks car, nut it is nice to family here who can help out.

The rest of the day has been busy, as expected. I spent the morning cleaning house in anticipation of a deluge of company, then the car issues, then a meeting with the funeral home (I reviewed that contract and was appalled. Clearly no one ever reads a burial contract--I am almost positive that at least one clause is unenforceable as a matter of law. Of course, there wasn't much we could do about it. It's an adhesion contract, if we don't like it, the option is to pick her up and take her elsewhere. ) Back to the house to receive loads of company. Eat, eat, eat. Put together a breakfast casserole for tomorrow morning, because one thoughtful person brought us breakfast fixin's. (I love that idea--we have received tons of desserts, lunch trays and casseroles, but no one thinks about breakfast!)

Oh, and on our way in Friday night I got a speeding ticket. On a two-lane highway that expands periodically to add an acceleration lane. The cop was hiding and waiting to nail cars just as they reached top speed to pass in the accelleration lane. I am so fighting that ticket, just for the pleasure of cross-examining that cop. I lost my trial virginity to a cop--but we were on the same side that time. I am just so pissed. This is the 4th time I've made that trip in so many weeks, and I generally set my cruise w/in 5 miles of the speed limit. But leaving after work Friday was traffic hell and I was tired and frustrated by the time I finally hit open highway, only to be stuck behind a car with "Snuggle Bunny" painted on the back windshield who insisted upon adhering strictly to the speed limit. So I was joyous when I was finally able to pass and may have sped up slightly more than necessary. But I did not, and would not with my kids in the car, maintain a sustained speed on 80. And it just felt so unfair to be pulled over under the circumstances, but I refused to use my MIL's impending death as a cheesy excuse to avoid a traffic citation, so I just shrugged off the cop's questions and signed the damn ticket.

Still here

Sitting with MIL now. Early this week the doc said she had 24 hours. Later this week he said maybe 48 hours. The fact of the matter is that nobody knows. Some things just can't me put on a timetable, and death is one of them.

We've all said goodbye, told her it's ok to go, that we will all take care of each other. Tonight we all went to church together, since there has been some indication that she is concerned about her children straying from the church.

We are all exhausted--emotionally and physically. (I broke down in church when they just happened to play the song that we chose for her funeral and that I know she chose for her mother's funeral. The family at the end of the pew looked at me like I was nuts.) Mostly I'm worried about FIL. He has been living at hospice for almost 3 weeks now. He won't leave her side, but for an hour or so a day to shower at home. He gets little sleep here--nurses are in late at night and early in the morning, and when MIL has a rough night, he has a rough night. I'm not sure how much more of this he can take.

The whole situation has taken an even more tragic turn. We began praying for MIL's health and to keep here, now we just pray that she passes quickly and with no more suffering.

And then there is reality. I came here on Thursday believing that this would be my last trip. Once again I am in the position of figuring out whether to go or stay tomorrow. My bosses are going to lose sympathy soon. DH has not gone negative on his vacation time, and FIL is out as well.

It is an all-around awful situation, and I would not wish for anybody to have to go through it.

Restored faith in humanity

MIL is still hanging in there. We were there when the doctor visited Monday morning. He said that the young ones have more will and more physical strength and tend to hang on longer. He thought then that she had a few more days, and DH and I drove home that afternoon.

Tuesday morning, FIL called and said that MIL's breathing had slowed even further and that fluid build-up had begun (aka "the death rattle"). The nurse said she might not make it through the day. DH flew back to Hometown that morning.

This morning the doctor said that she has less than 24 hours and may not make it past this afternoon. It's evening now and she is still here. I told DH, "you know she's tough, she already beat the damn cancer twice."

I'm inclined to head back to Hometown tomorrow morning, but I'll wait to see how she does overnight before I decide.

As awful as this entire experience is, it has shown us how wonderful people can be. Erika commented on the post how surprising it was that so many hours of vacation were donated to FIL. I am positive that additional hours would have been donated if it were allowed. Many neighbors were bringing food and anything else that would help during MIL's 18 month illness--and for the last two weeks people have been bringing food to feed all of us hanging out at Hospice.

When MIL was being treated at the cancer center 900 miles from home, a woman who had gone to school with FIL's brother offered her home for MIL and FIL to stay during her treatments. FIL estimates that the spent more than 30 days there. That sweet woman, also loaned MIL and FIL her extra car while they stayed there.

DH's coworkers raised $1000 to help with the inlaws travel expenses when they were traveling to the cancer center. DH has been given two flight vouchers to cover his flight, and when he flew out on Monday, someone anonymously paid for his flight.

I am stunned by the generosity that we have seen. I think that people just hear this terrible story and want to help out in any way that they can, but it is truly heartwarming to see how kind people can be.

Meanwhile, we are looking for ways to pay it forward. Our thought was to donate toys to hospice for the other kids who visit, but we learned today that they can't keep toys because of some regulation that requires them to be sanitized every day. So now we are thinking of bulk-ordering crayons and coloring books, or some other small toy, that the kids can keep when they visit at hospice. Our kids, nieces and nephews have now spent hours there, and we have seen many other children there as well.

Not getting any easier

Last night we once again thought MIL was at the end. She appeared to be in a coma and her breathing slowed to the point that she was going longer than 30 seconds between breaths. But she suddenly perked up and her breathing regulated. We spent the night on sofas up here, along with SIL and her hubby, but she did fine through the night.

Then today was the toughest so far. MIL was awake most of the day, but very disoriented and agitated. She is unable to walk, but kept trying to get out of bed. DH, BIL and FIL literally had to hold her in bed. Eventually, the nurse had to give her a sedative, and she is finally resting.

In the middle of this was my own family drama. Since DH and I are from Hometown, both of our families live here. And if you are a regular reader, you know that I do not get along with my mother. So I really didn't intend to tell my family when we came into town--knowing that we needed to focus on DH's family right now.

But my aunt guessed that we were here based on some FB chatter (damn Facebook!), and called to offer assistance. I took her up on it Thursday afternoon and the girls spent that night with her. The next day she took the kids to see my mother. Of course my mother was peeved that her sister had her grandkids, and took over. The kids spent the last two nights with her. Shocking since she basically shows no interest in my children. I think she just didn't want to be one-upped by her sister. Or maybe it is the realization that she will soon be the kids' only grandmother. One of the many unfairnesses of MIL's passing is that my children are losing the only grandmother who has ever paid them attention and been involved in their lives.

Anyway, I found out after the fact that she dumped them off on my brother all day today. He didn't seem to mind, but I would have asked him rather than letting her just inform him that he would spend his Sunday afternoon babysitting my children. It just rubbed me the wrong way. We have plenty of people here who could have watched them if she really didn't want to.

Meanwhile, my mother also informed my grandparents that I was in town. Yeah, so much for my plan to not tell my family I was in town. DH and I have been spending about 18 hours a day at Hospice--we don't have time to visit right now. Anyway, my grandparents came up here to see me--which would have been fine, except that they had to bring all their family drama.

My 80-year old grandparents, who live on social security in a trailer house, have been sending money to a woman in jail and have offered to move her into their house when she gets out while she gets back on her feet. Because she has found Jesus and she didn't really commit the crime anyway.

Their kids have contacted the scammer and told her to back off. But the scammer has a tight rein on Grandparents, and they are insisting that she needs to help and they are doing God's will by helping her--even though they are borrowing money from anyone dumb enough to lend it to them.

So my grandparents immediately try to recruit me to their side when they showed up here, and were none to pleased when I told them that I agreed with my mother and aunt. (My grandfather has always been the "slick willy" salesman type, and did time in the federal pen when I was in college for his bad (illegal) business decisions.)

Soon my grandfather starts asking, "So how's the job going? Are you making good money? Have you gotten any raises lately?" I can see him laying the groundwork to borrow money and there is no chance in hell that's gonna happen. I'll buy them groceries, I'll pay their electric bill, but I'm not about to give them cash to hand over to a scammer.

Fortunately a visitor showed up about that time (I was playing bouncer outside MIL's room) and I informed the grandparents that I needed to go be with the family again and shooed them away.

Because I totally need their drama right now. Thank god I live 400 miles away and don't have to deal with this crap on a regular basis.

On the other hand, living 400 miles away is not much of a blessing right now. DH has been away from work for a week and is about to exhaust his vacation time. The kids need to go back to school. And I'm not sure how long my bosses will be understanding about my absence for my mother-in-law. We are contemplating going home tomorrow. We really want to be here when MIL passes, but there is simply no predicting when it will happen. It has been a roller-coaster for the past week.

It is a terrible situation to be in, and while we live the farthest away, we are not the only ones. SIL's hubby has out-of-town training for his job starting next week, and all of the kids have taken the last week off of work and cannot continue to do so in perpetuity. Even FIL is about to exhaust his vacation time. He has missed months of work while MIL was treated at an out-of-town cancer center. His co-workers donated more than 500 hours of their vacation time to him, maxing out the number of hours that can be donated. He can take FMLA leave, but it will be unpaid. It sucks to have to deal with the practicalities of life when all you want to do is stand next to someone you love in her final days.

I guess we'll see how tonight goes and make a decision tomorrow morning.

She's Just Not Ready to Leave

MIL is still hanging in there. Last night we thought she was done. Her pulse dropped, and her breathing became even more irregular. We were all gathered around and she told us all that she loved us and spoke to each of us separately. And we were all bawling. We really thought she was done.

And then she suddenly popped out of it and started cracking jokes. We ended up crying tears of laughter.

But this is the second time this has happened, and it is emotionally draining.

After talking with the nurses, we decided that all of us standing around might be anchoring her here. So all of the kids headed home for the night leaving just FIL with her. Our hope was that she would pass peacefully during the night.

But she's still here. This morning she broke down crying and said that she isn't ready to give it all up yet. She also keeps apologizing, which is absurd because MIL is one of the most giving, morally true people I've ever met.

She is in and out of lucidity. Sometimes she understands that she is dying, and other times she has no idea where she is or what is going on. Her pain is becoming increasingly difficult to manage. I think FIL is about to collapse from exhaustion, but he won't leave her side.

We've all had the chance to say goodbye, and we've accepted that she's leaving. We've also told her that it's ok for her to go. But she's just not ready to leave yet.

The Vigil

I came out of a 2.5 hour conference call at 6:00 yesterday to a voicemail from DH telling me I needed to get the girls and return to Hometown ASAP. They really thought MIL was leaving last night. She was falling in and out of consciousness and so everyone was saying their goodbyes. Then she suddenly snapped out of it, announced that she wasn't dying and that she was planning to have pancakes for breakfast in the morning.

In the meantime, I was driving home like a maniac, throwing clothes into a suitcase and rushing the kids out the door. The girls and I hopped in the car, drove straight through and made it to Hometown at 2 this morning. (Good thing, too, since our town is getting record snowfall--we might not have made it out if I had waited until today.) We slept until about 8:30 and then headed up to Hospice.

MIL is still hanging on, but it seems like every breath could be her last. She will stop breathing for many seconds and then suddenly start up again just as we are wondering if this is it. She was coherent and talking to us this morning, but has become increasingly delirious throughout the day.

Two other people here have passed away today. It is hard to see their families, knowing we will be in the same position very soon. Everyone here is so nice. A little old man came by and gave my girls $2 bills, and another gave them packs of gum. Everyone here is going through the same thing, and there is a sense of camaraderie.

The girls were here until late afternoon when my aunt picked them up for the night. DH and I will stay here with FIL. All of his siblings have young children and finally went home for the night.

I'm still exhausted, but at least now my focus is on family. I pretty much wrapped up what I needed to on my big project with the conference call I had yesterday. And to answer a question from the comments, yes, I could certainly have requested an extension from opposing counsel or the court. But the senior partner handling the case did not express any concern about us getting it all done (being well aware of my circumstances), and I did not suggest to him that we request an extension.

Spinning Plates

I think that I usually do a pretty good job of keeping all my plates in the air. But this week is harder than most. I have a production deadline in one of my biggest cases on Friday. My client finally started shipping boxes a week ago--15 of them. I spent the weekend before last reviewing docs (they came in at 6:00 Friday just in time for the weekend!), hauled boxes all the way to Hometown last weekend, and spent Sunday night after we got home digging through them.

Monday morning--about 24 hours after we left Hometown-- FIL called DH and told him he should come back because MIL was showing new signs of decline. I met DH back at home, drove him to the airport, and went back to work until 8 last night. Finally went home before my nanny revolted, kissed the girls goodnight, and dug back into the boxes.

I am standing by waiting for DH to call and say we need to come down, while at the same time trying to get ahead of all my deadlines and my big production. Meanwhile my kids are being ignored, I need to go grocery shopping, pay bills, find the girls appropriate outfits for their grandmother's funeral, the tags on my car went out at the first of the month, my pro bono client wants to know when her divorce is going to be finalized, and every single one of my cases seems to have a new hot issue this week. Arrrrgggghhhhh!

I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I hit a wall at 5:30 this evening and headed out of the office (got hung up and didn't actually make it out 'til 6). Headed home, grabbed the girls and spend some quality time together picking up dog, cat and guinea pig food at Target. Finally home at 8, tucked the girls into bed and collapsed.

I brought work home, but I can't seem to make myself look at it. I just want to go to bed. Maybe that's the best plan--before all my plates start breaking over my head.

Surreal

We're in Hometown, staying at MIL's house. It's weird bring here when she's not here. Last night someone made food for all us kids and our kids. Everyone, except MIL & FIL, was here. Like a family holiday, except with the patriarchs missing. And the talk of death and funerals, with a few funny family stories mixed in. While we were eating on MIL's very fancy and expensive dining room table, all I could think was that she would be freaking out because we did not put down place mats or a table cloth!

Tonight, more food was brought in, and we all met in the large dining room at the Hospice center. The hospice facility is wonderful and very accommodating to families. It is just such a strange place for a gathering.

It's interesting to see how the kids are handling all of this. My 4 year old nephew announced that he was going to go live with Pa Pa when Grandma died so that Pa Pa didn't get lonely living all by himself.

His 6 year old brother made Grandma a valentine that said, "I hope you go to heaven." That one makes us all giggle.

And TT sent Grandma this email a few weeks ago "you are great and awsome and you are the key to my heart i most deffinitly do not want you to dye i hope you start to feel better and get better you are sweet and i love you alot you are a great grand mother and i love you"

Tomorrow FIL and the kids will meet with a funeral director to determine what decisions need to be made so they can get MIL's input while she is still able. It is so strange to be dealing with these kinds of things, but I guess the more we can prepare ahead of time the better.

Marking time

We received notice last weekend that MIL is declining more quickly than anticipated and that we should visit soon. DH was actually supposed to visit last weekend, but canceled his plans after Hometown got dumped on with snow. Now he's flying out tomorrow and I am driving in with the kids on Friday.

I though that we would have at least a few more months--although I don't have any idea what I based my assumption upon. The hospice nurse said "days or weeks" which is both ominous and quite open-ended. And she is being moved tomorrow from her home to the hospice care facility for at least a few days because her pain is not being adequately managed at home.

We know that the end is near, but there remains the uncertainty of knowing when it will happen. And though we all love MIL dearly, she has been in unbearable pain for a year and a half now, and I think we all just want to see her at peace. I think she is worried about leaving her children, but all her children want is for her not to suffer anymore.

And so we wait.

Can I keep my kids little and cute forever?

I love my twins at 8 years old. They are so funny and they still adore me and they are big enough to go out and have fun with and not have to drag along half the house with us.(I think I did a happy dance the day I realized we didn't need a diaper bag anymore!)

So today is my birthday. In keeping with family tradition, PS came down and blasted the Beatles birthday song while everybody hopped in my bed. SS gave me a porcucone (a pine cone with play-dough features to make it look like a porcupine.) TT gave me a box with drawings and precious plastic jewels. PS gave me two bottles of nail polish. Then SS sang me a birthday song and TT brought me a birthday breakfast menu, to be paid for with kisses. Finally, TT brushed my hair and put it into a ponytail.

The perfect birthday!

For DH's part, he took me to the movies on Friday--to a theater that sells food and booze. We've never been before, but I've decided that all theaters should serve mudslides and burgers. The most impressive part is that he arranged for it all by himself, including child care, without consulting me--something I've been griping about for years. He's also getting me a mini-subscription to out local musical theater company. This is big, since he hates musicals. But I will finally get to see Phantom and Wicked and we have 4 guaranteed date nights over the next several months. Woot!

And for myself, I have undergone my mid-winter de-trolling. I had my eyebrows threaded earlier in the week (which hurts like an SOB, but they look so freakin' awesome) and asked for a permanent appointment every two weeks. I colored my hair (have to for the gray, but I try to stick as close to my natural color as possible). But apparently I did not actually read the color on the box and am now "hot cinnamon red." But it's ok--I can be a sassy redhead for a while.

And I went to the upscale spa for a mani-pedi yesterday. The pedi cost more than twice what it would at the local walk-in place, but it was about 1,000 times more relaxing. I really don't like pedicures, but this one was actually pleasant and worth every cent.

I also tried the new gel-lacquer on my fingernails. It is for natural nails and is supposed to make your manicure last 2-3 weeks. I have great nails and haven't worn artificial nails in almost 15 years, but my manicures don't last more than 5 days and I suck at doing my own nails. I'm anxious to see how well this holds up.

Playing with the boys

As a female litigator I am frequently the only girl in the room. I am the only female attorney in my office except for a part-timer who generally stays hidden away and handles primarily transactional matters. Virtually all other attorneys and clients that I encounter are male. In fact, I don't believe that I have ever gone to a hearing or deposition where I faced a female opponent.

So it's always a bit of a challenge keeping up in with the guys' conversations. Lately the hot topic has been football and soon it will be baseball. I am not a huge sports fan, but I listen to sports radio in the mornings so that I can contribute something to the conversation, and I keep up with our local teams.

I went to lunch with several partners this week and the topic was movies. Guy movies. They spent a good 15 minutes quoting the Godfather (which I have never seen, because I don't watch violent movies) and then moved on to Star Wars (which I have seen because my husband is a huge Star Wars fan, but I do not recall the significance of Boba Fett's contribution and whether he was only popular because of his action figure).

So, ladies, how do you keep up with conversations in this male-dominated field? I'm sure they don't want to hear about how I am reading The Other Boleyn Girl (which is quite good, but is starting to drag it bit--I'm 3/4 through and just ready for Anne's head to roll), or how fantastic my new zen eyebrow threader is.

Drama in LC's hood

So for the past couple of weeks I have been hearing tales of the little boys down the street pushing, hitting and throwing things at my girls. (They've also ripped branches off my trees and broken my flower pots.) This information came from the girls, my nanny and the neighbor across the street who's son has witnessed Bratty Neighbors and who has attested to the brattiness of Bratty Neighbors.

Being disinclined to insert myself into a schoolyard scuffle, I told the girls to avoid the Bratty Neighbors and defend themselves if necessary.

By all accounts my girls were not the instigators, and honestly, it would be quite out of character for them to be aggressive--physically or verbally--with other kids.

Apparently today the mother of Bratty Neighbors came down to my house and got ugly with my nanny, and so it seemed the time for me to get involved.* DH and I walked down to neighbor's house where I informed her that any issues that she needed to address in the future should be addressed directly to me and that she should not have contact with my nanny. That was it. I didn't raise my voice and I didn't get ugly.

Then she went off. Making excuses, calling everybody involved a liar. And she would not STFU.

I am not the type to get into screaming matches with my neighbors, despite my white trash background. So I told her to keep her kids out of my yard or I would file a restraining order and press trespassing charges.

And then her husband called me a bitch. I hardly noticed, but DH, who had been standing by quietly by, got all riled up. Swoon! He's never had to defend my honor and I was quite impressed with his rapid response.

Anyway, I walked off, hoping DH would follow me before punches were thrown. Of course that just infuriated them more. Clearly these were people who couldn't be reasoned with. DH stayed behind for quite some time to try to deal with them.

I simply do not know how to deal with people like this. I could hear the woman going on and on from my house, three doors down and across the street. What do you do? Am I really going to take out a restraining order on an 8 year old? Hardly, even if he is pushing down my kids and tearing the branches off my trees. But his parents obviously don't give a damn what he does.

For now my kids are banished to their own backyard and are bummed that they can't ride bikes out front with their friends. I don't know what crazy lady is going to do next, but I don't want to feed her drama. And I'm sure as hell not going to let her take it out on my kids.

*A significant side note: About 4 years ago I called CPS on one of their kids. DH and I were putting raised flower beds in the front yard and were outside the entire weekend. The little boy--who looked to be about 2 (much younger than my twins) was outside the entire weekend. No parents ever checked on him, no older sibling. He was running back and forth the street (without looking) and had a disgusting green snotty note. So yeah, I reported them for neglect. And apparently they know that it was me, which does not make me any more popular with them. But they asked me tonight (our first conversation ever) and I owned it and said yes I did, because I'm licensed by the state I am a required reporter and a very young child running all over the neighborhood with no supervision looked like neglect.

FYI--Dead Bodies Do Not Belong on Facebook

Yesterday a picture of my nieces and nephews popped up on FB. Upon closer inspection they appeared to be standing in front of a casket. So I clicked on the album so see the image up close. The first picture in the album was a close-up of dead woman in a casket. The rest of the album pictured additional pictures of the deceased along with photos of various people hanging out around the casket.

WTF??? Personally, I think it is bizarre to take pictures of dead people in the first place, although I know it is not especially uncommon. But to post them on Facebook??? In what world is that appropriate? It just seems to be incredibly disrespectful to the deceased.

No drama at LC's house--yea!

Nothing exciting happening here. Apparently nobody was too worried about my 8 year olds--ahem, 12 year olds--because nothing more has come of it.

Work is crazy busy. My new secretary starts Monday, which is great since I've been without a secretary for the last month. I have to convince whomever is available to help me--and of course there are always one or two who are perpetually "too busy." My former secretary and I have been getting along splendidly (no, that's not sarcasm) since she's been reassigned. Maybe she decided I wasn't so bad after finding out what else is out there. Her new attorney is very possessive.

I got to interview my new secretary. I've never had a say in my secretary before--and apparently associates don't generally get to interview their secretaries. But my firm seemed to think it was really important for me to be involved in the interview process so that it would be clear from the beginning that I would be her boss. I warned her that I am a control freak and demanding, but I don't think she believed me.

DH and I are fighting--that's always fun! Right now we're in ignore-each-other mode, which I guess is better than yell-at-each-other mode. I wish we'd just get to make-up-sex mode, but since nobody is apologizing, I guess we're not there yet.

Drama at LC's house

The kids are still out of school and the nanny called in sick on Monday, so I sent the twins to the local gymnastics place for the week (they have child care available during all school breaks and the kids love it.)

Last night DH picked them up, and once they got home realized that there was no food in the house for dinner. (I was working late.) The twins were pooped from playing all day, so he decided to leave them home while he and PS picked up burgers from a place literally 2 minutes from our house.

Yes, the twins are 8 years old. No, I do not know what possessed DH to think that it was ok to leave two 8-year olds home alone. He said they were really tired and he did not they would move from the couch during the 15 minutes he anticipated being gone. (I may or may not have yelled at him for his lapse in judgment.)

So, while the allegedly tired twins were home alone, they "accidentally" dialed 911. The 911 operator asked SS how old she was. SS says that she was afraid they would get taken away with us if she told the truth, so she told the 911 operator she was 12. The 911 operator asked who else was home, and SS said, "my twin." TT then got on the phone and confirmed to the 911 operator that they were 12.

Then a cop showed up at the house (protocol whenever there is a 911 call) to "make sure everything was ok." And the girls opened the door and let him in! (Yet another reason 8 year olds should not be left home alone!) Seconds later, DH returned and the cop confirmed everything was ok and left. The cop came in the front, DH came in the back, and we don't know whether the cop realized that DH actually wasn't home.

In addition to being furious with DH and the twins, I am concerned that the cop will file a CPS report. DH said the cop didn't seem concerned at all, but who knows what department policy is. CPS has 72-hours to investigate if there is not an immediate threat of harm, and that window has not passed yet.

My state has no law setting a minimum age at which a child can be left alone, but that doesn't mean CPS can't launch an investigation. Having worked in the DA's office and the child advocacy clinic, I've seen my share of CPS reports. They come into your home, evaluate the cleanliness, take pictures of the food in your your fridge and cabinets (a cabinet full of Froot Loops can and will be used against you in a court of law if you don't have any real fruit in your house), note child safety issues. interview your children, their teachers and your neighbors. NIGHTMARE!

I'm not really worried about the outcome, but the process scares the crap out of me.

The other thing that scares the crap out of me is that both of my twins lied to the 911 operator--instantly and without hesitation. And where the heck did they get the notion that they would be taken away if someone knew they were home alone? These girls are going to be trouble when they are teenagers.

Another entry for my baby lawyer book

Today I brought in my first client! On a $2 million case! Plus some general counsel-type work. Woot!

The need to be needed

I have always felt that I had a stronger bond with oldest DD. Like she is truly a piece of me. She looks like me, she acts like me. The twins don't look like me at all. And they have distinctive personalities, that don't really reflect me in the way that PS does.

I'm sure it's partly because PS is the oldest and was an only child for almost 3 years. When she was born we had just moved to a new town, and I was a SAHM who didn't really know anybody. For the most of the day, it was just PS and me.

And then came her sisters after an unbelievably difficult pregnancy. Newborn twins were no cakewalk, either. I felt like a milking machine, and I don't think I had four hours of consecutive sleep for a full 6 months. I have always felt a little cheated out of their newborn months because I was so busy juggling two infants and a three-year old to enjoy the sweetness of my babies.

But the other side of the coin is that neither of the twins has ever needed me in the way that PS did. Because they always had each other. Generally, the most important person in a young child's life is her mom. But not with twins--because their twin will always be the person that they have the strongest bond with. My biggest fear is that something will happen to one of my twins--because not only would I have to endure the tragedy of losing a child, but I would have to live with watching my child lose her other half. (I went to school with a pair of inseparable identical twins, and one of them was killed in a car accident. It was heartbreaking to watch her sister try to cope.) My twins hated being separated when they were younger and have always been the best of friends. They never had separation anxiety from me when they were toddlers--they were perfectly content to be left with any stranger, as long as they were together.

Anyway, this weekend TT and I are home together while the rest of the family is in Hometown. I was hoping that it would be a great, rare opportunity for one-on-one time. But once again, TT doesn't need me--she needs her sister. She has asked over and over to call or text her. I tried to take her to the movies, but she doesn't want to go without her sister. We finally agreed to rent a movie, but she was still concerned about getting something that SS wants to see. She has just seemed so sad and lonely all day, despite my multiple offers to entertain her. (Of course, it doesn't help that her sisters are getting to play with their cousins and are opening presents!)

I'll admit that my feelings are a little bit hurt. I was really hoping for a mommy-daughter day, and it just didn't turn out that way. Tomorrow the rest of the family returns and it will be chaos once again. I just hope that TT doesn't grow up thinking that I never spent time with her.

Whoa Nelly...

We were all supposed to be heading to hometown today for our belated Christmas celebration. Bob was boarded, suitcases were packed. But at 7:00 this morning SS woke us up to inform us that her twin was throwing up. So TT and I are home while the rest of our family is in hometown (and the twins are texting each other using our phones, which I think is totally cute!).

So after learning that I did not make it to town, my grandmother called to tell me that for the kids' Christmas this year they are giving them nice contributions to their college accounts. Woot! My kids have way to much junk and I am thrilled to make a start on their college funds.

That's right--I said a start. It's true, I don't have college funds started. (They do have savings accounts where I put their birthday money, but they aren't designated as college funds.) Mostly because our goal so far has been to pay for my education, and we are just now (admittedly belatedly) hitting the point where we are in a financial position to contribute to their college funds.

I have been thinking about this issue lately--but hadn't looked seriously into it. Until today. I just plugged some numbers into a college-savings calculator and apparently I need to save $58,000/year if I want to send all three of my girls to 4-year private colleges! Nearly $700,000 total. Holy crapola! That doesn't even contemplate grad school. Clearly their college will not be paid in full by the time they enroll.

But all is not lost. We should be able to make a decent contribution over the next 6-9 years. Our income will continue to grow. One or more of them may choose public school--TT is already convinced that she wants to go to a nationally ranked public school just 3 hours from home (the perfect distance for a little independence while still being close to mom!). And we can finance part of their educations when the time comes, if necessary. We are young enough that we won't exactly be heading into retirement when the girls go off to school, so taking out some loans is not too worrisome. And maybe they'll even get some scholarships.

Neither my parents nor DH's contributed anything to our college educations. We both feel like we missed out on the whole college experience because we worked full time the entire time we were in school. And graduating with loads of student loans was more than a little overwhelming. I don't want my kids to be in the same situation. So I guess my New Year's resolution is to start saving for college.

Adios, 2009!

I distinctly remember where I was at the end of the last decade. We were spending the holidays in hometown and staying with the in-laws. And then both DH and PS got the flu. PS was 15 months old at the time and the sickest she had ever been. For that matter, DH was the sickest I had ever seen him. I think I spent the whole night taking care of the two of them.

Of course, there have been big changes in the last decade. We've added two more kids to our family, bought a house, I've gone from a SAHM to a lawyer, DH got his Master's, and our combined income has increased five-fold.

The last year has had plenty of changes too--and not all good. We learned that MIL's cancer had returned and that it is inoperable and incurable and that the new year will be her last.

I learned how harsh the legal field can be when I tired working 200+ hours/month for laughable wages and started looking for another job, only to have an offer fall through after my manipulative asshole former-boss refused to waive a conflict. But I refused to fall prey to his manipulation and quit my job in the middle of the worst economic downturn in my lifetime. I spent the summer questioning my sanity before ending up at a firm that offered a far better work environment and better pay. I am no longer the stepchild hidden in the closet, doing all the work and getting no credit. I speak directly with clients, make decisions about the direction of my cases, sign the pleadings I draft, and have bosses who actually consider and respect my opinion. Just this morning I took a document to my boss and he said, "I don't think you should do X, instead you should do Y." I said, "Well, I considered doing Y," and I explained why I did X instead. Big Boss said, "You're right, send it like it is." Evil former boss would never have given me the opportunity to explain my reasoning.

Oh, and I finally got to take my kids to Disney World--a trip I have been trying to take for at least 2 years.

I don't know what to expect in 2010. We know there will be sadness ahead. Hopefully less professional upheaval.

I really don't know what to expect over the next decade. We will surely lose more family members--my grandparents are now in their 80s. My children will all graduate high school and DH and I will be headed into our empty-nester years--and almost 25 years of marriage (it was 14 yesterday!). I will hopefully make significant professional accomplishments, travel, pay off my student loans (ok, that could be a pipe dream!)

I am generally happy with my life right now. I have good kids, I have a good husband, I have a good job, finances are decent and stand to get better. There's not much more I could ask for.

End of the Year Business

My phone rang off the wall today as I worked to settle two of my cases before the end of the year. One was messy and would not have been fun to try. The other was the first case I was given at my new firm and has been a thorn in my side ever since. I'm happy that it settled but a tiny bit bummed that I don't get to go to trial--the setting was in just three weeks.

It was also the first case that I have ever had to be a real hard-ass on. The other side completely dropped the ball and blew their discovery deadlines (and every other deadline in the case) and refused to respond to any communications from me. I had a motion to compel hearing set a week ago, but delayed it after they agreed to answer my discovery by the 28th. (Didn't really have a choice. The judge would have poured me out if I had gone to the hearing with an agreement to produce discovery--and he certainly wouldn't have compelled them to produce earlier than the date to which they agreed.)

So the earliest new hearing date I could get was Jan 7th. Dec. 28th came and went, and once, again no discovery--with an enforceable written agreement that I had filed with the court! But again, there was not much I could do--I already had the earliest hearing date possible.

Still I maintained my hardass position that we would absolutely be ready to try this case in 3 weeks, that the other side lost its opportunity to obtain discovery from us, that they waived all objections to our discovery requests by failing to timely respond, and that they had neglected to appoint experts or challenge our experts. Good luck explaining that complete and utter failure to the court when you ask for a continuance. I've never seen an attorney completely ignore deadlines without so much as a phone call with an excuse. (And around here at least one extension is routinely given if asked for.)

I guess they finally believed me because I got an offer today, and after a bit of haggling, I had a favorable settlement for my clients. Yea! Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the check actually shows up as promised.

The good, the bad and the mediocre

So we're back from our Disney vacation, and I have to say that overall, it was fantastic.
We did the full-on Disney package. We stayed on property at the Port Orleans resort and did the dining plan, which meant all of our meals were prepaid.

The Good
The twins were the perfect age, big enough to ride everything and walk the parks, but still young enough to really enjoy wearing mouse ears and meeting the characters. I loved seeing the pure joy in their faces throughout our trip. PS enjoyed it too, but she eschewed the mouse ears in favor of a Jack Skellington fedora and she had to be threatened into posing for a pic with Tigger. At 11 she's just too cool for Pooh.

Before our trip I bought two trip-planning programs, Tour Guide Mike and RideMax, to help plan where to go and when. I used the two together and they worked out great. We were at Disney World during the busiest time of year, and we never stood in line more than 15 minutes and got to do everything that we wanted. DH made fun of my excessive planning, but it really allowed us to get the most out of our trip.

One afternoon the girls did The Pirates League, where they were made over into pirates. I had a 50% discount because we were staying on property, and it was well worth the cost. The experience was great, the girls loved being pirates, and they got to take home lots of booty and photos of their pirate-selves. The icing on the cake: later that afternoon TT was chosen to participate in Jack Sparrow's pirate tutorial!

The best part--the kids rode everything! Going in DH and I were worried because we are roller coaster fanatics and the kids have historically been wussies. TT loved all of the big rides except Tower of Terror. (Actually, all of the kids hated Tower of Terror, which was a bummer since it is my fave.) I, however, am getting old and did not love Mission Space or Rockin' Rollercoaster :( But overall we had a great time on the rides.

The Bad
The crowds were large, but the worst was the lack of civility. I twice had to go mama bear after adults shoved their way in front of my children during a parade and fireworks viewing. The entire time there was a huge amount of pushing and shoving--we even saw a screaming lady drop the f-bomb after she was called out for line-jumping at Dumbo.

I think mannerless mindset is partly cultural and partly due to people spending so much money on a Disney vacation that they feel they deserve to be the first and have the best of everything.

Oh, and I may have been not-so-sweet to my neighbors after they came stomping into their hotel room like a herd of elephants at 1:00 a.m. and continued to maintain a full volume conversation for the next 30 minutes while their child screamed with laughter at an insane volume (not an infant--I would have been more understanding of a child too young to know better.) Believe me, you do not want to meet me wild-haired and bleary-eyed in the middle of the night. I am not a nice person.

The mediocre

The food. Disney food was chain-restaurant average all the way around. I think Disney is afraid of flavor. We didn't have any great meals, although the breakfast with Cinderella was better than anything else we ate in the parks and worth the ridiculous cost to visit the inside of the castle and have guaranteed face time with all of the princesses. We also enjoyed Teppan Edo, a hibachi place. Our cook was far more entertaining than the ones at home usually are, but the food was bland and fried rice was not an option (hibachi fried rice is the best!)

The dining plan was not really a cost-saver. We were given much more food than we would normally eat (like dessert with every meal--we rarely have dessert), which makes like the dining plan is a better deal than it really is. But we probably broke even with what we would have spent, and it was nice to have our meals take care of and not to have to budget for food.

And our room was Holiday Inn average--certainly not in keeping with the cost. But it was clean and adequate and convenient to be on property. Also, we had little choice in which property we stayed at because we are a family of five and most of the Disney hotels cater to families of four. An upgrade to a suite in a deluxe hotel would have substantially increased the cost of our trip, and the suites in the lower-priced hotels consist of multiple fold-out beds. I am not paying well over $200/night to sleep on a fold out chair.

The internal bus system worked well, although our hotel was quite distant from some of the parks.

I think that if we ever go back we'll rent a condo, but it was nice for the kids to have the full experience on their first visit. I don't see us returning for a few years because there are so many other great places I want to visit (and honestly, we could have gone to Europe for what this trip cost!), but I am so glad that we went when we did.

We're on our way

The last week has been insane with wrapping up all of my work projects and packing for our trip. And then there was a sick kid thrown into the mix. My poor nanny worked 13 hours on Thursday because sick kid was home from school, DH had already left town to visit his mom before her surgery, and I had a way-too-long day at work. Fortunately, I think she appreciated the larger -than-normal paycheck just before Christmas.

MIL's docs decided at the last minute that she couldn't tolerate the major surgery they originally intended to perform yesterday. Instead, they performed a less invasive surgery and MIL can finally go home on Sunday--they have been at the cancer center since before Thanksgiving! Hopefully she will be strong enough for a second surgery in mid-January.

DH and I feel much more comfortable taking our trip since MIL had the lesser surgery and will be in her own home for Christmas. Also, DH and his three sibs (including a 37-week pregnant sister) got to visit with his mom before her surgery and I think they all appreciated having the core family there without the chaos that the rest of us bring (their original family of 6 has expanded to 19--20 next week!)

So we started our Disney journey this morning, drove all day and are now in a hotel 4 hours away. We should be at the Mouse House by tomorrow afternoon! The drive wasn't even too bad. I think I appreciated the monotony after an excessively chaotic week.

I may be the most hated lawyer in the state by New Year's

I filed four petitions this week and they all require answers by January 4th--the Monday after the holidays. I would never have intentionally filed something so that a response would require another lawyer to toil over a holiday. I had an answer due the Monday after Thanksgiving and I was silently cursing the lawyer who filed that suit when I was still at the office at 8:30 the Wednesday before t-day efiling my answer and removal to federal court. So I am feeling a little guilty about my poor timing.

Two of the filings couldn't be avoided. One was a limitations issue and the other was a race to the courthouse after pre-suit settlement negotiations went south quickly. The other two had been sitting on my desk for a couple of weeks and could have been filed a week earlier or a week late had I realized the response date before filing. (Which isn't entirely possible anyway, since the answer date is based on service, not filing.)

The good news is these suits are all in state court where a general denial will suffice and amendments are allowed--so a basic answer could be generated in about 10 minutes.

Holiday Chaos

We planned many months ago to take the kids to Disney for Christmas. The trip has been booked for months and paid for weeks ago. I chose that week, in part, because it is the easiest time for me to get away from work. But now it is apparent that this is really not the best time to be taking a cross-country trip.

MIL has been stuck in cancer-center town since before Thanksgiving, and we have learned since then that we likely have only a few months left with her. So we have been struggling for the last few weeks with whether to cancel our trip. We decided to proceed as scheduled because 1) we are never in hometown for Christmas, always the weekend after, so we are not really breaking tradition by not being with family on Christmas Day itself. In our view, it doesn't matter the exact day as long as the whole family is together;2) the kids know about this trip and are counting on it; and 3) DH's sister is having a planned c-section on December 28. So by going to hometown after Christmas, we can see the new baby and MIL can truly have the whole family together.

Still, it was a difficult decision to come to and we are feeling a little judged by the people around us.

And the situation has gotten more sticky in the last few days. MIL will be having surgery next Friday--the day before we are scheduled to leave. She'll be hospitalized for the week following, so she will not be able to return to hometown by Christmas. Hopefully she can return home by New Year's.

So the current plan is for DH to drive to cancer-center town on Thursday so that he can visit with his mom before the surgery, and sit with his dad during. I'll head down with the girls Friday night after work. We'll all head out on our trip Saturday morning, and FIL will have the use of DH's car while we are gone. On the way back home the following weekend, DH and the girls can spend another night there while I head back to town for work on Monday. And then for New Year's we'll head where ever MIL is.

So is it totally selfish to still take this trip? I don't know. I don't think that we would spend the week in cancer-center town if we weren't going to Disney. And DH's other, not pregnant sister and her family will drive down Christmas weekend to be with the inlaws. Regardless, the whole family couldn't be together, because he pregnant sister certainly can't travel that far from home. And if all goes well, the whole family will be together the next weekend.

In the meantime, I have to get us completely packed THIS weekend. And we have volunteered to work a huge event Sunday morning. And I don't know when we will have our small family's Christmas. Most of the gifts I have bought the girls revolve around this trip. We were planning to open gifts the night before we left, but now DH won't be here. And I will have to load the car by myself. after I get home Thursday night so that we can leave the second I get home on Friday night. And I have a hearing on Friday, and I know that I am likely to work late, wrapping up all the loose ends that must be taken care of before I am out for a week.

So I am feeling guilty and stressed and grinchy. Both DH and I have been very blessed up to this point and have never had to deal with a long, horrible, painful ending to the life of someone we love. The whole situation has us dazed and in a funk and wondering if we are handling things the way we are supposed to be.

Happy Dance--The Third

Had my performance review today. Got a glowing review, they love me, have no complaints. :) And I got a raise and a bonus.

This has been a good week.

Happy Dance--Part 2

So my work computer died today. Kaput. Wouldn't boot at all.

Which sounds like a bad thing, except they have already replaced with with a brand new imac with a 27" monitor and wireless keyboard and wheel-less scroll mouse. Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

I heart my new humongous monitor. Just in time, too, since I billed 11.5 hours today and the rest of the week (or year) isn't looking much better. Maybe it will prevent me from going blind before I'm 40.

Doing the happy dance!

I'm getting a new secretary--woot! Another secretary put in her notice, so they are reassigning my secretary and I will get the new hire. Which also means that I will get to participate in the interviews for the new hire. Yea!

I don't think it's possible to have such a poor match again, but I it will be great to have some say in who I will be working with.

Allowing your kids to fail

I pushed PS into trying out for all-city orchestra. She has been playing the violin for about a year and a half now. She isn't really enjoying it, but I told her that she must at least finish out the year. She doesn't practice unless I nag her, but I thought that part of the problem is that there was no real goal to work toward because her school doesn't have chair tests. (Apparently there is a problem with attrition in orchestra--so they don't chair test so that the poor performers don't drop out. That is a whole separate issue that I won't get started on right now.)

Anyway, when I saw the note about all-city orchestra auditions, I pushed PS to do it, hoping that having a goal to work toward would compel her to put more effort into the violin and actually practice. She has had weekly private lessons and group tutorials with her orchestra teacher in the weeks leading up to the audition. I worked with her once early on and again last week. (And was reminded why I could never home school. Our session went something like this. Me: "That was supposed to be an F sharp. It was an F sharp yesterday, and an F sharp this morning, and guess what, it's still an F sharp! PS: I did play an F sharp! ME: Uh, no you didn't. Here is what it is supposed to sound like [play on flute]. Do you hear the difference? PS: It only sounds different because you are playing the flute and I am playing the violin. ME: No, it sounds different because I am playing the right notes and you are not, which should not be the case because I haven't played the flute in 15 years, and you have supposedly been practicing this music for the last month.)

Soooo, I knew that since she was still missing notes that she was not prepared for this audition. But I had no idea what her competition would sound like and I still thought it would be a good learning experience.

And then we arrived for her audition. We immediately learned that 1) all the kids would be auditioning in the same room in front of one another, and 2) she got first draw. My heart sank--neither was good news. I did many, many auditions as a kid, and the only one in front of everybody was state (which I blew because I crumbled under the pressure of auditioning in front of everyone else.)

So she had two strikes against her going in (besides her failure to practice). And then I heard the other kids in the practice room. They were good. Really good. Much better than PS.

I was just sick. I felt so badly for pushing her into this, and now realized that I had set her up for public humiliation since she would have to audition in front of everybody. Of course, I hid all of this from her and tried to remain upbeat.

Afterward she said that she thought she did ok, and that there were lots of kids worse than her. She didn't make the orchestra, but didn't seem overly distraught--and for that I am thankful.

I don't want to be the parent who tries to force my kid to fit the profile I select. Music was my thing, and as much as I had hoped it would be PS's thing, it just isn't. I won't pressure her to do another audition, and I won't make her continue with the violin after this year. She's been at it for two years now, and it is clearly not something that she enjoys enough to put her best effort into. So we'll keep looking for what will be the thing that she loves enough to be really good at. Because, as I told her Saturday after her audition, she may not have made the all-city orchestra, but I know that she is destined to do great things.

Whoa...

I had three best friends in high school. They were all parts of different circles and none of them ever really hung out with each other. And they were all very different.

I wrote about one the other day. She is the one who I tended to do the crazier stuff with, but she also tuned out whenever she had a serious boyfriend.

The second was my most laid back, steady friend. She lived with her grandparents, and I practically lived there for much of high school. She had a '68 Mustang that her dad restored for her, and she would let me drive it on the weekends when we were out cruising for boys. We have been in touch, on and off, but our lives are pretty different now and we aren't especially close.

My third best friend was a gay guy. But I didn't know he was gay at first. We kissed once and realized that there was nothing there but a platonic friendship. Not long after that he came out to me. In fact, I was the first person he ever came out to. And I was the person he confided in as to how and when he would come out to his parents and the rest of his family. We grew apart after a couple of years because he was becoming involved in risky behavior that I was not down with.

I've tried to find him online a couple of times, but had no luck. But tonight he found me on FB. Turns out that I haven't been able to find him because he has been in prison! I was stunned. We chatted for quite a while and he told me the whole story. I just can't get over my shock! He was always such a nice, never hurt a fly, type of guy.

Anyway, he told me that he thought about me a lot while in the clink and that I was always part of his coming out story. Because when he told me, my response was "That's great. Now we can go to the mall and check out guys together!" Of course, at the time it was happening I had no idea the significance of being someone's "coming out" person. I had never known an (admittedly) gay person. But he was my friend and who he wanted to sleep with wasn't going to change that.

I hope that I handled his coming out of prison story with the grace that I handled his coming out story as a 16-year-old girl.

Weekend Update

We survived out impromptu Thanksgiving weekend. Actually, my take-out dinner turned out pretty darn good. May have to start a new tradition--no prep work, no clean up.

We were glad to spend time with the inlaws, but the weekend was very stressful. MIL is not doing well. She is extremely thin and is on so many drugs that she was in a fog much of the time we were there.

They are very fortunate to be staying at the home of a friend-of-a-friend. She has graciously offered to host my inlaws the last few times they have had to visit the cancer center. It is a huge savings in lodging costs and it provides a much more home-like setting. And speaking of the kindness of almost-strangers, one of our fellow MILPs invited us to Thanksgiving when she heard about our last minute trip. We had to decline, but it was such a nice gesture. What a great group of ladies we have!

We didn't want to overwhelm MIL with the kids (or keep them cooped up too long in a strangers house) so I took them to a wonderful local park where we visited the zoo and rode a pedal boat. The girls also enjoyed swimming in the hotel pool. Overall though, it was a stressful trip.

It became apparent that this is likely MILs last round of holidays. FIL told DH that he thought she only had a few months left--and he told us today that he asked the doctor about hospice care and the doc agreed that it might be time for it.

There is just this overwhelming sense of unfairness. MIL is only 54. She has never smoked or taken so much as a sip of alcohol (FIL won't even eat food cooked in alcohol--and it isn't a religious thing--they're catholic!). She was in good shape, not overweight, and took a walk every evening. And MIL is one of the most moral and faithful people I have ever met. She just doesn't deserve this long, painful ending to her life.

I guess this is part of the reason I don't believe in god. How could a good and merciful god do this to one of his most faithful followers?

Anyway, we are still struggling with what comes next. It is hard to imagine DH's family--and especially his dad-- without his mom. And even though she is only my "in law," I have been part of DH's family for almost half my life--and my in-laws have been there many times when my own parents were not.

Thanksgiving insanity

Had a federal court filing that kept me at work until 8:30--then I still had to go to the 24-hour post office. I finally made it home at 9:30.

We were intending to return to Hometown for the weekend, but MIL was sent back to the cancer center in another town and will be stuck there through next week. Since they have no family there and it is closer to us than Hometown, we are heading to cancer center town for the holiday. So I was scouring the web in between revisions of my pleading in hopes of a great hotel deal (Crowne Plaza @ $60/night--suites, no less!)

MIL will not be able to go out to dinner in her current state so we would need some kind of take-out option. This left us without any plan whatsoever regarding Thanksgiving dinner and no time to cook. So at 10:00 p.m. I was pondering the possibility of going to the grocery store and throwing together some semblance of a meal. Instead, I found that a yummy regional cafe is offering a traditional dinner and I order takeout online! And they gave me a 25% off coupon for my first online order.

Yea! I am a planner and was not coping well with the possibility of no plan for T-day dinner.

Now I just need to pack--I have done absolutely nothing. Fortunately our nanny packed the girls and even did my laundry (which is generally outside the scope of her responsibility.) Hopefully I can just throw a few things in the suitcase and be done with it.

Now the suck... MIL's condition is getting worse. She is having to endure increasingly painful and humiliating conditions as her cancer progressions. She will likely have surgery next week to treat some of her symptoms but her tumor is compromising nearby organs (it is at the base of her spine) and there is nothing that can be done to stop it.

It's about time, Facebook

So I've been on facebook for about a year now. Most of my tech-savvy relatives have managed to find me, a couple of my friends from my adult life and a fair number of old classmates. And more than a few people who went to school with me and are friends of friends, but who I honestly don't recall AT ALL. Who I haven't found on facebook are old friends who were really friends. Nobody that I actually cared about ever getting in touch with.

And then this week I found my BFF's from both middle school and high school.

My middle school BFF moved before we started high school and we lost touch. It was nice to say "hi" and see where she's at now.

But I was even more excited to find my HS BFF. She was even the maid of honor at my wedding, but we had a falling out several years ago and it has been almost 10 years since we've spoken.

We were about as opposite as you can get. She blond, blue-eyed, short and curvy; me dark-haired, taller, thinner and straight as a board. We met in freshman biology, and most of the other girls didn't like her because she was the type who wore her clothes too tight and was prone to steal your boyfriend. I was far more conservative and didn't draw the animosity that she did. We had one or two spats over boys, but for the most part it was a non-issue. We were so different that the boys who were attracted to one of us wasn't interested in the other--and we generally didn't go for the same guys.

Most of the trouble that I got into in high school involved her. The most memorable event was when we were 16 and she had a fight with her boyfriend, a college student living in a college town about 30 miles away from us. She decided that she was going to get drunk and have it out with him. I didn't drink at all in high school and did not condone her behavior, but I wasn't going to let her drink and drive. So she grabbed her 4-pack of wine coolers and I grabbed her car keys and off we went.

Boyfriend was not happy to see us, and shooed us into a back room when another girl showed up. Yeah, that didn't go over well. BFF became belligerent and he and I literally carried her out to the car. I locked her in, jumped in and took off. She was pissed and screaming at me. It was dark and I couldn't find her headlights, so I ran over a parking block trying to get the heck out of there. She took the opportunity to jump out of the car and start running back to the boyfriend's apartment. I tackled her and dragged her kicking and screaming back to her car.

At that point I realized that I had seriously messed up her car when I hit the parking block. The car wouldn't turn left--and I had to drive the 30-mile trip back home without making a left turn. I also couldn't stop, for fear that she would jump out and I would have to chase her down again.

We had my dad look at the car the next day, and it turned out that I bent the frame. Oops. Of course, we never told anybody how it actually happened, and we remained BFF's for years after that.

There was definitely some craziness, and we disagreed about a lot, but in hindsight I realize that she is the only friend I ever had to whom I could tell anything and not be judged. She might disagree with me and she would certainly tell me so--but she wouldn't judge me or think less of me. Friends like that are hard to come by.

Update

So I was very impressed by how calmly I handled the TT issue. I emailed the principal late Wednesday night, informing her in no uncertain terms that this new policy would not apply to my children and that it was inappropriate and unlawful. I was fully prepared to argue to the death if I encountered any resistance.

But the principal called me at 7:15 Thursday and told me that she absolutely agreed with me and that she had already informed the staff that the policy was gone.

Apparently the genius behind the new restroom policy was the new assistant principal who was trying to combat messes in the bathroom. He is young, apparently inexperienced and this is the second of his policies that I have nixed in the last two months.

The other asinine policy involved taking attendance for 6th graders 5 minutes before the morning bell rang. I found out about that one after he reported PS to the state truancy board for multiple absences--when she had never been absent or even late! I laid into him for that one--but I wasn't even going to bother with him on this issue. I went straight to the principal.

I really like our principal, but she really needs to rein in her AP and his idiotic ideas quickly. And frankly, it doesn't speak well of her that she is not paying enough attention to the "policies" her AP is instituting.

In case you were wondering...

Peeing is a fundamental right subject to due process protection. Glaspy v. Malicoat, 134 F. Supp. 2d 890.

Pissed Off Mama Bear

TT had an accident at school today because the teacher wouldn't let her use the restroom when she asked. Now, I was horrified by the thought of this, but thought perhaps TT's account was skewed to her benefit. So I calmly emailed the teacher and asked her if TT's (haha, I just got the pun!) account was accurate. The teacher said yes, the principal just instituted a new policy and children are not allowed to go to the restroom unsupervised--so no kid can go unless the entire class goes.

WTF?? These are third graders! And my kids drink a lot and pee lot. In fact, we encourage it, due to DH's and PS's history of kidney stones. Not to mention that I had teeny-tiny bladder as a child--and even had (unsuccessful) surgery to try to stretch it out--so its not a leap to think my kids also have teeny tiny bladders.

I am so furious that my kid had to suffer the humiliation of having an accident because she wasn't allowed to use the restroom that I think my eyes are glowing red. I already responded to the teacher and told her that I would be requesting a conference with the principal.

I haven't emailed the principal, because I wanted to do a little research (and calm down) first. If there is any law even suggesting that my kid has a right to pee at school I am damn sure gonna find it.

It Sucks to be the Little Fish

Busy day. I had to finish up my off-site doc review and then rush back to the office for a meeting with a new client, followed by a long chat with Big Boss.

Attitudey Judy will not be getting the boot, at least not until after the holidays. It's not my call, or the outcome would have been different. But, having been at my firm a mere 3 months, I'm not really in a position to throw down an ultimatum.

I am a little frustrated by the situation, because I feel like I've done everything I can to work for her, and now I really don't trust her with important tasks. Which just rewards her with less work and punishes me with more.

Big Boss did make clear that they don't think I'm causing this problem--which was a relief. I didn't want be the new kid turned problem child who can't get along with anybody. And when he meets with her for staff reviews he will reiterate that I am the boss, like it or lump it.

I guess all I can hope for is that she finds something else quickly or has a miraculous transformation. Meanwhile, she is ignoring me unless directly spoken to--and then I am rewarded with a grunt.

Well that was interesting

Today I had to do a doc review at the firm that offered me a job before Satan f/k/a Big Boss torpedoed it by refusing to waive a conflict.

The associate working on the case for the other side was actually one of the many, many people with whom I interviewed at that firm. When I reminded him that we had met before, he said "oh, yeah, you're the one from [former firm]. I've heard a lot of bad stuff about that firm."

Later in the day someone else popped into the conference room I was working in and said, "wow, you look really familiar, have we met before?" To which I replied, "yes, you interviewed me for a job here." "Ohh..." she said, as the recognition started fading in.

I may forever be known as "the girl who got screwed out of a job" in my local legal community.

Holding Pattern

Don't know what's going to happen with secretary aka Attitudey Judy (I love that Gillian!) I do not have the authority to fire her. Big Boss is supposed to be handling it, but he is out of town.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Attitudey Judy sent an email late today informing the office that she has a "follow-up doctor's appointment" tomorrow. I am 98% sure that "doctor's appointment" is code for "interview."

In addition to my many other complaints, she is late a lot--like 20 minutes-plus every day and she takes extra-long lunches. I haven't even addressed this with her because it is the least of my concerns, but my firm uses an old-school time clock and the administration has noticed. She has also had quite a few doctor's appointments, car problems and other miscellaneous absences in the 3 months that she has been with my firm. So we've all surmised that she has been interviewing whenever she has a doctor's appointment or car trouble.

Attitudey Judy allegedly came to us to with glowing recommendations. I now understand--I would gladly give her a glowing recommendation to get rid of her and make her somebody else's problem!

I am soooo tempted to send her a response and say that I hope her "doctor's appointment" goes very, very well.

Pirates and Princesses and Rodents, oh my!

Looks like we are all systems go for spending Christmas at Disney. I got the ok from my bosses, sent vacation letters to the courts and made the final payment last week. We're booked for breakfast in Cinderella's castle on Christmas morning, and I just made reservations for pirate makeovers for the girls, thanks to a 50% discount for resort guests.

I'm excited, I've been wanting to take the girls to Disney for the last 5 years, but something always came up. I wanted them to go while they were still young enough for it to be a magical experience. I have great memories of Disney--DH and I went there on our honeymoon--but I'm a little afraid I will hate it now that I'm old and curmudgeonly. Children running about everywhere and ginormous crowds (this is peak season for Disney) are not my idea of a good time. But I have employed multiple planning resources, so hopefully it will be a pleasant experience for all.

Oh and if you're just tuning in for an update with the secretary situation--well, today sucked. I spoke with the office administrator first think this morning and she told me that I needed to confront secretary and get her side of the story, and then go to Big Boss.

Speaking to secretary did not go well. She was openly hostile and refused to give me a straight answer. She started ranting, and I just said, "We're done now."

Afterward I went to Big Boss. I'm not sure I conveyed how truly dire the situation is, but he said that he would get to the bottom of the current situation. Not really sure what that means.

I am so sick of dealing with her incompetence and hostility. It is exhausting and I really don't trust her to do anything for me anymore--in fact I gave her my receipts from my business, and , of course, she missed one of the receipts and my check was short (yeah, she didn't bring it to me to sign off on either). Argh!

Yep, it's Monday

Learned first thing this morning that the other female association put in her resignation. That will definitely mean more on my plate, and I am pretty darn busy already. And that leaves just me with all the guys.

Also learned that the situation with my secretary was even worse than I thought. A couple of weeks ago she forwarded to a client a citation that she had filed with the court. Yeah, that sounds strange right? The court issues the citation--you file the return of citation with the court. The return of citation includes the process server's statement of the time and place that the petition was served.

So I asked her for an explanation. She assured me that she had in fact filed the return with the court, but that it was on the back of the citation and that she simply hadn't bothered to copy the side with the return--only the front side with the citation.

I explained that I needed copies of the full document in the future so that I could verify that service was properly effected and that the return was in order in cases I needed to prove up a default judgment. I also explained that a savvy client would be wondering why we were filing the citation, just like I had.

The day before I left for my business trip, she brought me a file-stamped copy of the citation with the return attached to the back. The citation had two file stamps with two different dates--one of which had been crossed out by the clerk. This seemed odd, but I was wrapping things up before leaving town, so I simply set it aside.

This morning I took another look at the double-stamped citation and then at the return. The first file-stamp was Oct. 27. The second was Nov. 3. When I turned to the return, it was not sworn to until Oct. 29.

There is absolutely no way that secretary could have filed the return with the citation on the 27th--as she swore she had. The return wasn't sworn until 2 days later. She did exactly what I thought she did and then lied and tried to cover her tracks.

I am furious. Lying and hiding things are not ok. If it were solely up to me I would fire her tomorrow. I understand mistakes--and her original mistake would not have been a big deal if she were a new secretary and fessed up. But she constantly reminds me that she has 20 years' experience and that I should quit questioning her competence. And this went further than a mistake--it was outright lying.

I basically avoided secretary all day for fear of what I might say. Tact isn't one of my virtues, and I wanted to speak with the office administrator before I confronted her on this issue. Unfortunately the office administrator was out today, so it will have to wait until tomorrow. I keep thinking that maybe I am being overly harsh--and then I get smacked int he face with something like this.

Mommy Fail

Last night at dinner I accidentally sent a naughty text intended for DH to PS. Oops. Fortunately I immediately realized my mistake and demanded her phone to delete the message. And it was more innuendo than overt, so hopefully she won't be scarred for life if she manages to pull the deleted message out of the trash can.

Glad crazy week is done, but it has led to a busy weekend. The girls signed up for a fun run Saturday morning, so we had to be out of the house by 7:30. And all three kids have school projects due next week. Since our weeknight time is so limited, we have to do these things on the weekends.

PS has to build an accurate 3-D atom model. And she picked gold, which is heavy and has about a zillion particles. We bought rubber tubing into which she will insert tiny pompoms to make electron orbitals, and she will glue larger pompoms to popsicle-stick base make the nucleus. It will be interesting to see how this turns out.

TT and SS have to disguise turkeys. SS is covering hers in silk flowers and hiding it in a field of grass. TT's turkey is becoming an astronaut. It is covered in aluminum foil, and we went to the dollar store just to buy a vending-machine toy so that we could get the plastic case to use as an astronaut helmet. DH thinks I'm nuts for making a special trip to buy a $.50 toy just to get the plastic shell it comes it. I think my astronaut helmet is genius!

Also have horseback riding lessons for the twins today, need to help PS practice for all-city orchestra auditions, need to work on my pro bono case, and DH needs to work on our fence before it falls into the neighbor's yard. He has replaced 60% of the wooden posts with steel ones, but every time we get a storm the remaining wooden ones start leaning. I keep trying to convince him to pay someone to take care of it, but he is stubborn and his blue-collar roots won't allow him to pay someone to do something he thinks he is capable of (even if it means he will be complaining about his back for the next week.)

Crazy Week

We've known for weeks that this week would be crazy, and it has lived up to the hype. DH left on Sunday for a conference--which left me playing the part of the single parent for the first half of the week. I have to say kudos to the single and military moms out there--I'm found it exhausting for only two days, and I have a nanny/housekeeper to help out.

He returned today--but I left for a conference in Denver and won't be home until Friday. So DH will get a taste of the craziness I have been dealing with.

I couldn't get out of the office until after 6:30 on Monday, talking PS through her homework on my commute home. (Thankfully it was English. Her math homework is killing me, but I can diagram the hell out of a sentence!) I got home in time for dinner together, homework folders and bedtime snuggles and that was about it. Fell into bed about an hour after I got the girls down.

Tuesday night I got out of the office earlier, but had to run errands to pick up some stuff for my trip. So I got home, grabbed the girls, ran our errands, back home and straight to bed for them while I did my packing.

This morning I had a site inspection, back to the office for a couple of hours, and then off to the airport. I had a raging headache by the time I landed, but some aspirin, yummy cookies and a big comfy bed at my hotel have made it all better. This is the most down time I've had all week. I guess I should enjoy it, but I really miss DH and I'd rather be home with my kiddos--even with all the crazy.

Frustration

So the problems with my secretary have continued this week, culminating in a Friday afternoon showdown where she informed me that I was "condescending and micromanaging." I responded that I would absolutely continue to micromanage her because she had made several calendaring errors, even when I had given her explicit instructions, and that it was ultimately my responsibility to ensure that all matters are calendared correctly. She continued to be very defensive, even when faced with undeniable proof of her errors.

And Friday's issues began with me simply asking for an update. As in an email that said, "Hey Thelma, can you please give me an update on the status of 1) [issue 1], and 2) [issue two]." Yep, that is totally micromanaging.

Instead of actually giving me an update, she gave me a snarky non-response to issue 1 and and told me to make sure that had all of my revisions exactly correct as to issue #2, because it was an unsaveable pdf and she had to retype the 1 page document every time I made a change (umm, hello, if you had typed it accurately the last time, it wouldn't have needed to be revised a second time).

Issue #1 had to do with entering my time. When she finally got it done, she had lost more than $3000 of my time and had billed several entries to the wrong client. But I was micromanaging again when I asked to see my time before the final deadline when prebills went to the partners.

I'm at my wit's end. I don't think that I handled things on Friday quite as professionally as I would have preferred. And I'm concerned that, since I'm the new girl in the office, I'm going to come off looking like I can't get along with the staff. And I don't know how this has happened, because I got along very well with the staff at my last firm. I don't generally have a problem getting along with people, but I am absolutely not going to let this secretary roll over me.

There is a review process in place. We had fall staff reviews and the consensus was that since she was so new she needs a little more time, but she will have to show improvement before spring reviews. In the meantime, I have been encouraged to take a firm hand to encourage her to work to her perceived potential (instead of getting frustrated and doing it myself, which is the much easier route.) That is clearly going well.