The need to be needed

I have always felt that I had a stronger bond with oldest DD. Like she is truly a piece of me. She looks like me, she acts like me. The twins don't look like me at all. And they have distinctive personalities, that don't really reflect me in the way that PS does.

I'm sure it's partly because PS is the oldest and was an only child for almost 3 years. When she was born we had just moved to a new town, and I was a SAHM who didn't really know anybody. For the most of the day, it was just PS and me.

And then came her sisters after an unbelievably difficult pregnancy. Newborn twins were no cakewalk, either. I felt like a milking machine, and I don't think I had four hours of consecutive sleep for a full 6 months. I have always felt a little cheated out of their newborn months because I was so busy juggling two infants and a three-year old to enjoy the sweetness of my babies.

But the other side of the coin is that neither of the twins has ever needed me in the way that PS did. Because they always had each other. Generally, the most important person in a young child's life is her mom. But not with twins--because their twin will always be the person that they have the strongest bond with. My biggest fear is that something will happen to one of my twins--because not only would I have to endure the tragedy of losing a child, but I would have to live with watching my child lose her other half. (I went to school with a pair of inseparable identical twins, and one of them was killed in a car accident. It was heartbreaking to watch her sister try to cope.) My twins hated being separated when they were younger and have always been the best of friends. They never had separation anxiety from me when they were toddlers--they were perfectly content to be left with any stranger, as long as they were together.

Anyway, this weekend TT and I are home together while the rest of the family is in Hometown. I was hoping that it would be a great, rare opportunity for one-on-one time. But once again, TT doesn't need me--she needs her sister. She has asked over and over to call or text her. I tried to take her to the movies, but she doesn't want to go without her sister. We finally agreed to rent a movie, but she was still concerned about getting something that SS wants to see. She has just seemed so sad and lonely all day, despite my multiple offers to entertain her. (Of course, it doesn't help that her sisters are getting to play with their cousins and are opening presents!)

I'll admit that my feelings are a little bit hurt. I was really hoping for a mommy-daughter day, and it just didn't turn out that way. Tomorrow the rest of the family returns and it will be chaos once again. I just hope that TT doesn't grow up thinking that I never spent time with her.