Ick.

I got this mystery envelope at work the other day which turned out to be evaluations. As in I have to evaluate myself--which always sucks. But even worse, I have to evaluate my secretary. I really don't want to do it.

My secretary is a very nice person. We get along great and she tells me when there is food in the kitchen or when Partner is cranky. But I have become increasingly frustrated with her. Since I have become busier and given more responsibility I have had to hand more stuff to her, which I don't think she is happy about.

A couple of weeks ago Partner told me to have Secretary help me with a task. She pretty much told me that she wasn't doing it and would get a file clerk. Then Partner told her to do it, and she told him the same thing! The problem is that the file clerks are backed up and take forever and we needed to be able to work with these docs ASAP. I had a similar request today and I had to absolutely insist that she, not the file clerks, put my pleadings file together so that I would have a file to work with. We have had similar issues with copies. She will not make copies.

And several time in recent weeks I have had to redo a fairly simple task that she was given. Things I might expect a newbie to need help with, but this is someone who has been a legal secretary for 20 years or more. (Shouldn't she know more than me?) Having to give her explicit instructions for every task takes so much time I might as well do it myself. (But I have been told repeatedly not to do things that the secretaries can do.)

Argh. Maybe it sounds peevish, but I really don't think I am being unreasonable. I can go days without needing anything from my secretary. She does no typing for me, and she is only assigned to my supervising partner and me.

So, I don't want to do the evaluation. Because on the one hand, I don't want to say anything negative that will impact her financially, or that will look like its coming out of the blue, because I haven't addressed these issues with her directly. I also don't want to look like a demanding diva baby-lawyer. Because I'm really not. I probably don't utilize my secretary nearly as much as I should, and I try to give her as much notice and time as possible when I need something done. I'm also not sure if Partner has noticed these issues--or if he will think "what the heck is she talking about?" if I bring it up. (I know I need to talk to Partner, but since she sits right outside his office, its kind of hard.)

On the other hand, I think some of these things need to be addressed. But I think it might be better to handle it gradually than suddenly in an evaluation. So I don't know what to do. Blech.

Amazing

http://yesboleh.blogspot.com/2008/05/chinese-policewoman-helps-quake-effort.html

One Year Later

It’s been a year since I graduated from law school. I can’t say that the last year was an easy one. The joy of both graduating from law school and passing the bar were seriously mitigated by the stress of not having a job. Although I loved law school and knew that I was in the right career, there were moments when I wondered if I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Massive debt and dwindling job prospects are a scary combination.

I also worried that I would be stuck in a job that I hated or a field that bored me because I couldn't’t find anything else. Coming out of law school, my top preferences were to work in DA’s office or to do some kind of catastrophic tort work. I definitely wanted to litigate.

I interviewed with virtually every DA’s office in the area and nothing panned out. I sent out many, many resumes to firms and had little luck. I applied to firms that I really didn’t want to work for and in areas that I didn’t really want to practice in.

Finally, I got a foot in the door at my current firm. It was supposed to be a one week contract position, but turned into about three weeks. Then they brought me back for additional occasional projects. Then they called me in for semi-permanent contract work. The on-and-off nature of contract work was frustrating and stressful. I needed the reliability of permanent position, but it was months before my firm was willing to make such a commitment. I really had to prove myself to them--and I also had to make clear that I was not willing to submit to the beck-and-call of contract work forever.

I was glad to be working in a reputable firm practicing in one of my preferred fields. But there were times that I really didn’t enjoy it, and times that I actually hated it. I didn’t click with my boss and some of the projects I was given were painfully boring.

But eventually they made me an offer. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to, but I accepted—because I really didn’t have a choice.

I really enjoy my job now. My boss and I seem to have figured each other out. I am getting more varied and interesting projects (although still interspersed with the occasional painfully boring project). I am working in a field that I really enjoy with a better quality of cases than I could have hoped for as a first-year attorney.

So with all of the turmoil, ulcers and indigestion that the last year has given me, would I do it all again? Absolutely, but only because I love being a lawyer. Would I recommend the same to someone else? I don’t know.

For those of you asking “do I want to be a lawyer?” consider this:

Make sure it’s really what you want to do. I couldn’t have made it if I didn’t know that I was choosing the right career path.

Go to a well-regarded school. Rankings do matter when you are looking for a job. But they aren’t everything. The law school associated with my undergrad is a TTT, but it is very well regarded in that region, and really in my entire state. I’m sure the same is true for other regional law schools. My law school is a T1 not-national school that is extremely well-regarded in my metro area. And I still had trouble finding a job. I would not recommend anyone go to a lower ranked school that did not have strong regional support. It is a huge gamble that you will get an offer that will justify your debt. (On the other hand, if someone is bankrolling you, I guess you can do what you want.)

Make the grade. Grades matter—especially if you want Biglaw. I wasn’t really interested in Biglaw, but even the mid-sized firms in my area want top 1/3 class rankings. I graduate with honors, but just missed the 1/3 cut and I think it hurt.

Do something in law school. Of course there is law review. But another biggie is moot court or mock trial. I saw a lot of employers wanting to see this kind of thing. I'm not really sure that any of my other extra-curriculars reall mattered, though.

If you’re a mom, don’t advertise it. It became very clear to me that employers don’t want to hire moms. Not even other moms. Because I had a lag between undergrad and law school, I took the date off my resume. I don’t think anybody really noticed the missing dates, and it kept me from having to explain that I have 3 kids. I never lied, but I didn’t volunteer information, either. Even in my current position, I did not reveal that I had children until I felt that I had proved myself to be reliable and hard-working. Yeah it sucks and its not fair, but that's the way it is until we have more successful lawyer moms willing to prove our abilities.

Decisions

The decision to go to law school and commit to a career in law was a thoroughly thought out one. I already had 3 kids when I applied to law school (Although I had actually applied right out of undergrad, I soon found out that PS was on her way and decided that I could not handle starting law school and and infant who was due the same September I would have started. So I delayed a little while.) I recognized that a career in law was not family-friendly. Once I had my children, I looked into many other options--because I knew that I wanted a career and would never be happy as a SAHM forever. I considered teaching--the obvious family-friendly choice, library science, because I love children's literature, or pursuing my master's or Ph.D. in psych, since that's what my undergrad degree was in. But none of those felt right. I don't have the patience to teach. I wanted something more stimulating than being a librarian (not trying to dis all the librarians out there). And I had long ago decided that psych wasn't really just wasn't what I wanted to do long term.

So I was back to square one and considering how I could make a career in law work and still be a good mom to my kids. I finally concluded that if I wanted it badly enough I could find a way to make it happen. My husband is an involved dad willing to pick up the slack when I couldn't be there. But child care was still essential.

The decision to allow others to care for my children was very hard for me. My mother was a single working mom--an assistant manager of a retail store. That meant she worked until 10:00 pm at least 4-5 nights a week and my brother and I were left with a babysitter a lot. And my mom wasn't very discriminating in her choices of care givers.

There was the one who made another kid drink his own pee because he wet the bed; the crazy holy-roller who let her guinea pig have the run of the house, pooping all over the floor, told us explicit stories about the crucifixion, and took us to church where people spoke in tongues and did cartwheels in the aisles, totally freaking us out; the one who allowed her 5th grader to smoke in her bedroom; the one who burned her grass and stomped it out in her house slippers; the guy who turned out to be a child molester (but never touched us); and a host of others whose biggest transgression was just plopping us in front of the tv watching soaps all day (I still cannot stand the intro music to The Young and The Restless.)

So, obviously, I had a few issues with the choice to have others care for my children so that I could go to law school. But I am not my mother, and I would thoroughly investigate anyone who would be caring for my children. And there are very good caregivers out there. Even with all of the terrible babysitters I had, there was one good one. Interestingly, it was a teenager that my dad hired when we spent the summers with him. She did stuff with us--took us to the pool and the library, played games, we baked a lot.

The first year I was in school I put the twins in day care and PS in on-campus after-school care. I had a strong aversion to home care because of my past experiences. (Although there are certainly quality home care providers out there.) I visited several daycare centers and learned quickly that price matters. The only one that I even considered was the most expensive in town. But I felt that my girls were going somewhere where they would be active, stimulated and well-cared for.

The next year I decided to go a different route. My problem with the day care centers wasn't that my kids weren't well-cared for, but rather the sterility of it. There was no comfy couch to just veg out in at the end of a long day. And one of the things that I hated the most as a kid growing up in child care was that I was never in my own home with my own stuff. I decided that if my children were going to have other caregivers, at least they could be in their own home, with their toys and books and snacks.

So I hired a nanny--which was actually much more cost-effective than day care since I have 3 kids. Also, a nanny could still take care of one of my kiddos if she had a fever and couldn't go to daycare or school (although anytime one of my children is really ill I stay home with them.)

Having a nanny has worked out beautifully. My nanny is incredibly dependable and flexible. She is like a grandmother to my children and they genuinely love each other. The kids miss her when they don't get to see her for a while, and they look forward to seeing her every day. I simply can't envision how that kind of relationship is harmful or unfair to my children. Furthermore, my children live hundreds of miles from their grandparent, and this is virtually their only interaction with an "older" person on a regular basis.

So, yes, I chose to have a career and allow others to participate in the raising of my children, and I don't think it is hurting my children. I am happier because I have an identity beyond being the mother of my children. I love my job--it is the perfect field for me. Yes, I sometimes put in long hours, but we make it work. The time that I spend with my kids is quality time. We have dinner together at least 5 nights a week. And it's amazing what you can learn while putting their hair in braids. I've attended every school program, special event and soccer game (except where there was a conflict between the kids.) Generally, my entire weekend is devoted to the kids. At least once a month we visit a museum or zoo or some other activity just for them. Other weekends we veg out and have Mario Kart tournaments. A couple of times a month we have family movie night.

I definitely have less time now than I did when I stayed home with my kids, but the many cuts have been to my personal time. I don't watch much tv, and never before the kids are in bed. I have given up other hobbies. But now when I am with my kids, I am more engaged with them than when we were always together.

Maybe some consider my choice to have career selfish--especially since we were financially comfortable before I went to school. But I am happier having a career and I think that helps keep my family in balance. And I think my girls are proud of me--and will continue to be as they grow older and really understand what I do. And I think its awesome that my girls think business suits are for women--and that on the rare occasion DH dons a suit they say "he looks like Mommy." Because my girls will grown up knowing that a girl can do anything she wants--including being a mom and a lawyer.

Scary

When I interned for the DA's office I became very aware of the personal information that I released to the public--especially concerning my kids. Every year I have to explain to bewildered teachers why my kids' names and pictures cannot be published on their class websites--and I'm sure they think I am overreacting.

But about the time I started interning in the DA's office, a former student from my law school was being stalked by a felon who had found her phone number on an old cached webpage.

I have relaxed some since then. First, I don't deal with criminals anymore. The cases that I work on are generally not the kind of thing where you have to worry about a PO'd opponent coming after you.

But then there is this, published in a public forum...

[removed due to google-ability (yes, I get the irony, since in this very post I talk about my awareness of giving out personal info online) but the gist is that some a-hole wants to blame the attorney for the acts of his clients, including ostracizing the attorney, his wife and his children from all social involvement in the community.]

Granted, this case is very emotional. But it is scary to think that people really feel this way about the attorneys who are involved with this case.

My favorite new site

is PostCards from Yo Momma. I wish I had the kind of mom who sent goofy emails or IM's.

BTW, I found that site through Favorable Dicta, who has made a comeback.

"You're the most in charge 'cause you're the one who gave birth to us"

Said SS yesterday. We were in the used bookstore and found the motherload of clearance children's books. Each of my kiddos had a stack of 6-8 books when TT piped up and said, "we better stop, Daddy might not like us getting all these books." To which I responded, "why do we have to have Daddy's permission to buy books?" To which SS said, "Yeah, you're the most in charge 'cause you're the one who gave birth to us." Yep--that kid has it right!

We did our part to stimulate the economy yesterday. We got Grandpa's George's check Friday(not that I agree with the rationale behind the checks, but I wasn't going to turn it down) and most of it is going straight to outrageous summer childcare, but we did a little shopping.

I really do not enjoy shopping anymore and rarely enter a mall. But we headed to a reasonably close semi-upscale outlet mall because I am in desperate need of "casual Friday" clothes. I hate casual Friday. My version of casual is too casual for work. I don't really have a casual Friday appropriate wardrobe. I'm fine with pulling together an everyday work wardrobe but I just haven't mastered Fridays. So I went looking for some cute tops and dressier jeans.

I had absolutely no luck. I bought a pair of shorts and a wallet. I bought the kids summer clothes and DH got some new shirts to wear to work. And, of course, we all got books at the bookstore.

And for Mother's Day this morning, the twins read stories to me while DH and PS went for coffee and donuts. And DH signed us up for "Making Sense of Wine." Because we are both clueless about wine and I would like to look a little less idiotic when I have professional events to attend. (At an Inn of Court meeting last year a professor actually called me out for the kind of wine I was drinking with dinner!) So he did well, and I am proud of him for planning in advance and coming up with something that I could really use.

I don't know what we are doing with the rest of the day. Mostly nothing, which is fine with me after running around all day yesterday.

Just Ewwww

Both yesterday and today while I was doing research on two completely different cases, with completely different issues, and in completely different jurisdictions I came across cases involving decomposing mice in coke bottles--that someone actually drank from. I may never be able to drink from a bottle again. FWIW, though, both cases were really old--like when they used the glass bottles that required a deposit. (Is it showing my age that I remember those?)

Baby Cravings

I have been having huge baby cravings for the past few months. I miss having babies--I loved it when my girls were little and sweet and loved to snuggle with mommy. They are all getting so big now. My twins are still loving and snugly sometimes, but they are also growing into wonderful and hilarious little people. PS has hit the point where she wants little to do with me, and it is nearly impossible to even get a real hug out of her.

I think part of the problem is that I feel cheated out of the twins' infancy. With two babies I was so busy that I really didn't have the time to stop and enjoy them. But now every time I see Cora or Peach pop up on my reader it just reminds me of how much I love having babies.

Of course, nothing is going to come of it. DH had the big V after the twins were born. And I was told not to have any more kids because I really don't handle pregnancy well. And I can't afford to send any more children to college (I'm not even sure I can afford to send the three I've got to college.) And this really isn't the ideal point in my career to be popping out another kid. And it is hard enough going places with three kinds in a world that is build for families of four. And my kids are all finally big enough we can do fun stuff again. And four kids is just too damn many. (No offense to those with 4. I think three kids is too damn many, too. And some days one is too damn many!)

Maybe I need to borrow a baby for a week or two. I really wanted a kitten a while back, but once we fostered kittens for a few weeks and I was reminded how unpleasant litter boxes are, my sanity was restored. I think a week or two of being awakened every two hours by a newborn would have the same effect.

A day in the life of a first year attorney

Today was crazy. It started out having to break it to my boss that it was going to take another $600 to close a deal we thought we were done with. I thought my head might roll, because I was pretty much responsible for everything--although this issue was truly beyond my control. But he took it well.

Then I got to get contentious with another lawyer about a motion to compel. I haven't had much contact with other lawyers--so that was kind of fun. And then my boss told me that I would probably get to argue the motion because they needed to get me into court. Yea! I've been kinda bummed that I haven't had more court time. Going to court is the most fun part of being a lawyer--I honestly can't understand why anyone would go to law school to do anything but litigate. But this lawyer is already pissed at me, so it will definitely be heated if I do get to argue.

Lots of little projects on my plate right now that keep getting pushed aside by the bigger ones. Found out I probably will not be going to DC--and if I do, not for the whole 3 weeks.

And Big Boss mentioned that my hours seemed a little low for the amount of time that I spend in the office. It was not accusatory or even implying that I wasn't putting enough time in--more like he thinks I am not recording all my time or cutting my own hours. But I'm not and I am pretty diligent about keeping up with my time. So maybe I'm not putting enough hours in. I do find that more time gets lost when I have to keep shifting among small projects than when I have one or two big projects. But he also said my hours seemed short last month--and I billed 200 hours last month. I'm not sure I can give much more than that. Sigh.