We spent the weekend at an out-of-town robotics competition for PS. (They won, yay!) The competition was a couple of hours from Hometown, so my aunt came down on Friday, and DH's family came down on Saturday to hang with us and see the 'bots.
Aunt told me that my mother would likely be going into hospice soon. If you are a longtime reader, you might remember that my mother had a serious surgery in my City a couple of years ago that required her hip, knee, and femur to be replaced. The replacements did not take, she never regained any kind of mobility, and she had her leg amputated a few months ago. She's been in the hospital 90% of the time for the last 2+ years, and should have had it amputated long ago. She has had continuous massive infections and is completely resistant to just about every antibiotic known to man.
You may also remember that I don't get along with my mother at all. She is toxic and I do my best to avoid contact with her. I speak to her a couple of times a year.
So I didn't get too worked up about Aunt's news. Partly because the day we arrived in Hometown for DH's grandfather's funeral in December, I got a call that she was being moved to hospice. My brother and I both went to see her, and miraculously, by the next day they determined that hospice wasn't necessary.
So this time around I just told Aunt and Brother to keep me posted.
When we got back to our hotel on Friday night, TT told me that her head was massively itchy. SS reminded me that they had been doing rollerblading in PE, which requires helmets. And then TT mentioned that two of her closest friends had mentioned lice in the last week. FML.
So we get back to our very dimly-lit hotel room and I commence inspecting TT's hair. Sure enough, I find nits. Gag! This is the first time we have ever encountered lice, and of course it had to happen while we are traveling and all sharing a room and pillows and beds and hairbrushes.
DH and I rush to the nearest store at 10:00 pm to buy a lice kit and flashlight, and we are up until 12:30 washing everyone's hair and using the lice comb. TT has very long, baby-fine hair and it took forever. And , of course, there is no way to change out or wash our linens.
I am highly disturbed by doing all this in a hotel. Hotels already skeeve me out, and the thought of other people doing this just makes it worse.
We do the best we can, and I plan on another round of nit-picking once we get home on Sunday.
So we're up and at 'em early Saturday morning. By that evening Aunt is saying that my mother is declining. Brother visits her and he thinks it is serious this time and not a false alarm like at Christmas. I talk to DH and plan to go down next weekend.
We headed home Sunday morning--a 6 hour drive. Within an hour after we arrive Aunt and Brother are calling to tell me to come ASAP. I am not entirely trusting that she is declining as rapidly as they are telling me. I ask Aunt to talk to the hospice nurses to get a better idea of how things look.
We have been down this path before. MIL practically set a hospice record and we made multiple "you must get here now trips." But MIL was fighting like hell to stick around as long as possible. I can help but feeling like my mother is still trying to manipulate my sympathies. And I know that makes me sound like a terrible person.
And I am exhausted. Sleep has been minimal this weekend. The hospice nurse us noncommittal about a timeline. But my brother needs me. I am the only one who understands our ridiculous relationships with our parents. And he has always been more sensitive than me.
There is no way I can hop in the car again. I grab the first flight that I can reasonably catch, which doesn't leave until 9:00 tonight.
So now I'm pulling together a suitcase and work files. DH will have to deal with what's left of the lice situation. He did inspect my head and found nothing, so finger's crossed that he didn't miss anything. Because the only way this situation can get worse is if I start spreading lice around hometown.
3/29/15
3/16/15
Monday
Today way hard. Everyone at work was tiptoeing around me. They know something is wrong, but they have no idea what. I don't know if their imaginations can conjure up something worse than reality. Right now I can't imagine anything worse than this.
I holed up in my office. I'm just one giant frayed nerve. I was bitchy to our IT guys, and anytime someone is nice to me I'm on the verge of tears. Please don't be nice to me--real lawyers don't cry.
The evening was better. SS hung out with me for a while and seems happy. Real happy, not fake happy. Maybe getting caught lifted a weight off of her. I hope so.
We talked about summer camp options. The summer worries me. With PS's internship, it will just be SS and TT home alone most of the summer. I think we'll be looking at lots of camps.
I holed up in my office. I'm just one giant frayed nerve. I was bitchy to our IT guys, and anytime someone is nice to me I'm on the verge of tears. Please don't be nice to me--real lawyers don't cry.
The evening was better. SS hung out with me for a while and seems happy. Real happy, not fake happy. Maybe getting caught lifted a weight off of her. I hope so.
We talked about summer camp options. The summer worries me. With PS's internship, it will just be SS and TT home alone most of the summer. I think we'll be looking at lots of camps.
3/15/15
Coping
This weekend has been one of the hardest of my life. I just can't stop thinking about it, and that I've failed my child. I'm
a giant ball of stress and have developed a perpetual tension headache.
I can't sleep. I did manage find a therapist and she met with DH and me Friday evening and SS on Saturday morning. So at least we're moving forward there.
In the meantime, DH and I are trying to figure out how to proceed from here, with technology and privacy and alone time and balancing time between three kids. We know that a lot of our attention is devoted to PS right now, and we need to refocus a bit. January through April are the busy months for robotics, and DH is a mentor for the team, so he is often at school with PS until late. And there's just a lot going on with her right now that gets a lot of attention.
On the other hand, I worry about shifting too much attention to TT, and SS feeling like she's getting the short end of the stick. DH took her out for ice cream tonight for some one-on-one time and to praise her for coming to us about her sister.
We were scheduled to be out of town next weekend for a robotics tournament, leaving the twins with a caregiver, but have cancelled that trip. PS will go with her team and we will have the weekend at home with SS and TT. There's another robotics tourney the following weekend that we are taking SS and TT to, because its near Hometown and we'll get to see some family, and then we have a short trip to one of the twins' favorite places scheduled for Easter weekend and a trip over Memorial Day weekend for TT's state solo competition that we're turning into a mini-vacay.
So we'll get lots of family time over the next few weekends that will hopefully right any right any lopsidedness in attention. But at the same time, I know that it's not all about attention. She's told us that this has been going on for a while, and the heavy focus on PS has really only been the last few weeks.
I also question whether she was ready to get caught, and we just missed the signals. She had asked a couple of weeks ago to go bra shopping (teenage girls might ask to go to Hot Topic or shoe shopping, but not bra shopping) and I delayed because we've just been busy. In hindsight, I think she was asking because she knew she would get caught. I just didn't catch the signal.
The good news is that she doesn't seem angry at us. She willingly went to the therapist. We did go bra shopping yesterday and she seemed to have fun (I'm sure it helped that we bought a ton of spring clothes.) We spent a couple of hours this evening doing our nails. So she's not folding in and closing us off.
In the meantime, DH and I are trying to figure out how to proceed from here, with technology and privacy and alone time and balancing time between three kids. We know that a lot of our attention is devoted to PS right now, and we need to refocus a bit. January through April are the busy months for robotics, and DH is a mentor for the team, so he is often at school with PS until late. And there's just a lot going on with her right now that gets a lot of attention.
On the other hand, I worry about shifting too much attention to TT, and SS feeling like she's getting the short end of the stick. DH took her out for ice cream tonight for some one-on-one time and to praise her for coming to us about her sister.
We were scheduled to be out of town next weekend for a robotics tournament, leaving the twins with a caregiver, but have cancelled that trip. PS will go with her team and we will have the weekend at home with SS and TT. There's another robotics tourney the following weekend that we are taking SS and TT to, because its near Hometown and we'll get to see some family, and then we have a short trip to one of the twins' favorite places scheduled for Easter weekend and a trip over Memorial Day weekend for TT's state solo competition that we're turning into a mini-vacay.
So we'll get lots of family time over the next few weekends that will hopefully right any right any lopsidedness in attention. But at the same time, I know that it's not all about attention. She's told us that this has been going on for a while, and the heavy focus on PS has really only been the last few weeks.
I also question whether she was ready to get caught, and we just missed the signals. She had asked a couple of weeks ago to go bra shopping (teenage girls might ask to go to Hot Topic or shoe shopping, but not bra shopping) and I delayed because we've just been busy. In hindsight, I think she was asking because she knew she would get caught. I just didn't catch the signal.
The good news is that she doesn't seem angry at us. She willingly went to the therapist. We did go bra shopping yesterday and she seemed to have fun (I'm sure it helped that we bought a ton of spring clothes.) We spent a couple of hours this evening doing our nails. So she's not folding in and closing us off.
3/13/15
Failure
There is so much going on around here lately. Lots of decisions, and changes, and many good things. And then yesterday my whole world was brought to a screeching halt.
One of my kids is cutting. Her sister saw the marks when they were goofing around and immediately texted me. I flew out of the office, broke many traffic laws on the way home, and tried to figure out how in the hell I was going to handle this.
The thing is, I wasn't surprised. This kid has definitely been through some changes over the last several months. She went from my glittery pink girly-girl in love with a Disney-made boyband to a too-much eyeliner wearing teen who only wears punk rock t-shirts. Her friend group completely changed--from kids I liked and whose families I knew well to kids I knew nothing about and didn't particularly like. But those kids won't be going to her high school next year, so I was just holding my breath and trying to wait out the next three months, knowing her friend group would likely change again when she started high school in the fall.
And I had heard her mention cutting--talking about her friends or band members who cut.
I saw a scratch on her arm a few weeks ago--talked to her about it, bought her excuse, and made a mental note to keep an eye on things. But she wasn't showing signs of depression. Her grades are great. She seems happy--actually the happiest of all my kids. I spent virtually all of last weekend with her--she had a solo contest (and qualified for the state competition!), and we did some shopping and celebrating and watched Grease (her first time and my millionth).
So I wasn't surprised by the text, but I guess I expected it to be superficial teen experimenting. I was shocked by what I saw. It wasn't a few scratches. It was scores. Completely covering her abdomen and upper thighs. Places I would never see. And it's obviously been going on for a while.
She immediately 'fessed up. Showed me all the marks. Told me what she was using (she had 5 utility knives in her room!).
I talked to her, calmly, and mostly kept it together. Then I sent her to shower and went downstairs and collapsed into sobs. My child is broken. I don't know how to fix her.
Once I pulled it together, I started researching. Did she need to immediately go to an inpatient facility or was outpatient therapy sufficient? I tried calling a counselor that we had seen once before. Of course, nobody ever answers the fucking phone there (seriously, can you imagine running a practice without a live operator?). I got a voicemail back hours later saying, "we have a waiting list, if this is an emergency please call 911." Could you be any more fucking useless? How about a fucking referral?
Meanwhile, I concluded that I did not want to go the route of inpatient therapy and am desperately trying to find a counselor. But it was too late in the day yesterday to reach anybody and apparently at least 50% of counselors don't work on Fridays. And all the ones in my town seem to have waiting lists.
I'm working from home today because we're on spring break and I'm not about to leave her unsupervised at this point. I've got all of her electronic devices, trying to figure out a plan for closer monitoring. I don't want to punish her by taking them away, but I need to control communication with this new friend group, which seems obsessed with suicide and self-harm. (Yes, I have been reading her chats since all this came to light. Also, we had to get involved when one of her friends was threatening to commit suicide a few weeks ago.)
I really need to talk to a professional about how to respond appropriately. My irrational side wants to make her change schools and cut off all communication with the outside world. My rational side knows this is a terrible idea. I am so lost right now.
One of my kids is cutting. Her sister saw the marks when they were goofing around and immediately texted me. I flew out of the office, broke many traffic laws on the way home, and tried to figure out how in the hell I was going to handle this.
The thing is, I wasn't surprised. This kid has definitely been through some changes over the last several months. She went from my glittery pink girly-girl in love with a Disney-made boyband to a too-much eyeliner wearing teen who only wears punk rock t-shirts. Her friend group completely changed--from kids I liked and whose families I knew well to kids I knew nothing about and didn't particularly like. But those kids won't be going to her high school next year, so I was just holding my breath and trying to wait out the next three months, knowing her friend group would likely change again when she started high school in the fall.
And I had heard her mention cutting--talking about her friends or band members who cut.
I saw a scratch on her arm a few weeks ago--talked to her about it, bought her excuse, and made a mental note to keep an eye on things. But she wasn't showing signs of depression. Her grades are great. She seems happy--actually the happiest of all my kids. I spent virtually all of last weekend with her--she had a solo contest (and qualified for the state competition!), and we did some shopping and celebrating and watched Grease (her first time and my millionth).
So I wasn't surprised by the text, but I guess I expected it to be superficial teen experimenting. I was shocked by what I saw. It wasn't a few scratches. It was scores. Completely covering her abdomen and upper thighs. Places I would never see. And it's obviously been going on for a while.
She immediately 'fessed up. Showed me all the marks. Told me what she was using (she had 5 utility knives in her room!).
I talked to her, calmly, and mostly kept it together. Then I sent her to shower and went downstairs and collapsed into sobs. My child is broken. I don't know how to fix her.
Once I pulled it together, I started researching. Did she need to immediately go to an inpatient facility or was outpatient therapy sufficient? I tried calling a counselor that we had seen once before. Of course, nobody ever answers the fucking phone there (seriously, can you imagine running a practice without a live operator?). I got a voicemail back hours later saying, "we have a waiting list, if this is an emergency please call 911." Could you be any more fucking useless? How about a fucking referral?
Meanwhile, I concluded that I did not want to go the route of inpatient therapy and am desperately trying to find a counselor. But it was too late in the day yesterday to reach anybody and apparently at least 50% of counselors don't work on Fridays. And all the ones in my town seem to have waiting lists.
I'm working from home today because we're on spring break and I'm not about to leave her unsupervised at this point. I've got all of her electronic devices, trying to figure out a plan for closer monitoring. I don't want to punish her by taking them away, but I need to control communication with this new friend group, which seems obsessed with suicide and self-harm. (Yes, I have been reading her chats since all this came to light. Also, we had to get involved when one of her friends was threatening to commit suicide a few weeks ago.)
I really need to talk to a professional about how to respond appropriately. My irrational side wants to make her change schools and cut off all communication with the outside world. My rational side knows this is a terrible idea. I am so lost right now.
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