Allowing your kids to fail

I pushed PS into trying out for all-city orchestra. She has been playing the violin for about a year and a half now. She isn't really enjoying it, but I told her that she must at least finish out the year. She doesn't practice unless I nag her, but I thought that part of the problem is that there was no real goal to work toward because her school doesn't have chair tests. (Apparently there is a problem with attrition in orchestra--so they don't chair test so that the poor performers don't drop out. That is a whole separate issue that I won't get started on right now.)

Anyway, when I saw the note about all-city orchestra auditions, I pushed PS to do it, hoping that having a goal to work toward would compel her to put more effort into the violin and actually practice. She has had weekly private lessons and group tutorials with her orchestra teacher in the weeks leading up to the audition. I worked with her once early on and again last week. (And was reminded why I could never home school. Our session went something like this. Me: "That was supposed to be an F sharp. It was an F sharp yesterday, and an F sharp this morning, and guess what, it's still an F sharp! PS: I did play an F sharp! ME: Uh, no you didn't. Here is what it is supposed to sound like [play on flute]. Do you hear the difference? PS: It only sounds different because you are playing the flute and I am playing the violin. ME: No, it sounds different because I am playing the right notes and you are not, which should not be the case because I haven't played the flute in 15 years, and you have supposedly been practicing this music for the last month.)

Soooo, I knew that since she was still missing notes that she was not prepared for this audition. But I had no idea what her competition would sound like and I still thought it would be a good learning experience.

And then we arrived for her audition. We immediately learned that 1) all the kids would be auditioning in the same room in front of one another, and 2) she got first draw. My heart sank--neither was good news. I did many, many auditions as a kid, and the only one in front of everybody was state (which I blew because I crumbled under the pressure of auditioning in front of everyone else.)

So she had two strikes against her going in (besides her failure to practice). And then I heard the other kids in the practice room. They were good. Really good. Much better than PS.

I was just sick. I felt so badly for pushing her into this, and now realized that I had set her up for public humiliation since she would have to audition in front of everybody. Of course, I hid all of this from her and tried to remain upbeat.

Afterward she said that she thought she did ok, and that there were lots of kids worse than her. She didn't make the orchestra, but didn't seem overly distraught--and for that I am thankful.

I don't want to be the parent who tries to force my kid to fit the profile I select. Music was my thing, and as much as I had hoped it would be PS's thing, it just isn't. I won't pressure her to do another audition, and I won't make her continue with the violin after this year. She's been at it for two years now, and it is clearly not something that she enjoys enough to put her best effort into. So we'll keep looking for what will be the thing that she loves enough to be really good at. Because, as I told her Saturday after her audition, she may not have made the all-city orchestra, but I know that she is destined to do great things.