I will admit that I set very high standards for my children--especially PS. Partly because I know they are capable of so much. PS is a smart cookie. She could recognize every letter in the alphabet at 18 months and had a few Dr. Seuss books memorized well enough that she could convince someone who didn't know better that she could read. (She also had quite a repertoire of old rock songs.) She was reading words as a late 2 year old, books as an early 3. At the time I didn't realize that this was unusual, and actually asked my pediatrician if something was wrong with my twins because they didn't recognize all of their letters by the time they were two.
But I'll also admit that part of my the reason I set such high expectations for PS is because I don't want her to be like me. Because everyone who knew me as a child says that PS is a carbon copy of me. We look a lot alike, but it goes deeper than than. I was bookish like her and she is a know-it-all like me. And I was a smart kid too (although I am told that my daughter is smarter than I was). But I was lazy. I never put any effort into my education until I got to law school. Before that I could slide by with minimal effort. And PS could too, but I want her to put out more than minimal effort. I want to push her to live up to her potential. But perhaps I push too hard.
This weekend we found a stash of papers hidden beneath the sink in the kids' bathroom. They were all of PS's "bad" grades, ranging from 86 to 70. The 70's were for papers that she turned in late or didn't complete properly. The 86 is bad because a B is bad, in the world I have created for my daughter. She was afraid she'd get in trouble. I felt like an ogre. DH thinks I push her too hard.
I explained that she would never be in trouble for bad grades when she genuinely didn't understand--that if she had shown me those papers we would have gone over them together to make sure she understood, and that I couldn't help her if she hid things from me. I told her that she would have been in trouble for the late and incomplete work, but that had been an issue just last week and she had only received was a short lecture. I'm not sure what she thought would happen--the only punishments she ever receives are extra chores or removal of privileges.
I guess I need to lighten up. It worries me that she thinks she has to hide a paper with an 86--or even a 70. What if she gets into serious trouble as a teen? I don't want her to be so fearful that she doesn't come to me.
3 comments:
Doesn't sound like you're too tough, just sounds like a case of misunderstanding. Isn't it a blessing that this happened now so you guys can iron things out and change course before her teenage years? Hopefully hearing from you now about how proud you are of her and how much your "pressure" comes from wanting to help her succeed will help her feel encouraged and pleased with herself rather than ashamed if she doesn't do as well as normal. No one can be good at everything. Maybe you need to find examples of brilliant people (scientists, authors, etc.) who were really good at what they did well and MISERABLY bad at everything else out. Sometimes that helps put things in perspective.
It's easy to push too hard, my parents sure did. I was in the same boat, always a "gifted" student. But they never praised my good grades, just criticized when I didn't do as well (i.e. that A minus should have been an A!) Because I'm "smart," so obviously I should never get bad grades. (Plenty of material for the therapist there.)
I think instead of being afraid of getting in trouble, she just doesn't want to disappoint you by bringing home a bad grade, or even a mediocre grade. But it sounds like you took the right approach, and telling her it's okay to make mistakes and that's how we learn is by examining them.
Also, I think it's awesome that you recognize there's a problem, address it and make changes to solve it. That's the kind of parent I hope I'll be!
Your post could have been written by me! I was the same way in school myself, and fear my 6th grader being the same way.
I had parent-teacher conferences a week or so ago, and when I told my girls the constructive criticism that their teachers shared, they BOTH started to cry. Tears squirting.
I felt like crap - the criticism was SO MINOR, and yet to them - it meant they weren't perfect, and they thought it either meant they were in trouble, or that not being PERFECT was a problem.
I'm not really sure what to do, either. I mean, I do want them to realize their (amazing) potential. But I also want them to know that they are wonderful, and that A+'s aren't everything.
:(
Good luck to you.
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