Can't Sleep

Something about pondering all the ways in which my life could change in the next 48 hours is not allowing me to sleep. I took a sleeping pill half an hour ago, and so far it has done nothing for me. I usually just read when I can't sleep, but I'm to edgy to concentrate. (BTW, I am really liking The Golden Compass!)

I think I checked the bar results website about 10 times today. Not too compulsive, I don't think. Especially considering that the number on their hit counter has doubled in the past day or so. 30,000 hits in one day. I think there were around 1500 who sat for the bar here. Apparently I'm not the only one checking regularly already.

Despite the fact that I have tried to be very nonspecific about when bar results come out, people have been coming out of the woodwork this week asking me about it. And everyone says that they are absolutely certain that I passed, there is no possible way I could have failed and that I have never failed at anything. What these people don't understand is that their confidence in my actually make it worse. Because disappointing all of them may be just as bad as the disappointment I will have in myself if I don't pass.

But the thing that worries me the most, is that if I don't pass I honestly don't know what to do better or differently the next time around. I gave the bar everything I've got--I have never worked so hard for anything. I don't even think I would have the heart to put in what I did the last time--much less go beyond that. It is not surprising that pass rates for retakers is morbidly low.