My Life is a Clusterf*ck

We spent the weekend at an out-of-town robotics competition for PS. (They won, yay!)  The competition was a couple of hours from Hometown, so my aunt came down on Friday, and DH's family came down on Saturday to hang with us and see the 'bots.

Aunt told me that my mother would likely be going into hospice soon.  If you are a longtime reader, you might remember that my mother had a serious surgery in my City a couple of years ago that required her hip, knee, and femur to be replaced.  The replacements did not take, she never regained any kind of mobility, and she had her leg amputated a few months ago.  She's been in the hospital 90% of the time for the last 2+ years, and should have had it amputated long ago.  She has had continuous massive infections and is completely resistant to just about every antibiotic known to man.

You may also remember that I don't get along with my mother at all.  She is toxic and I do my best to avoid contact with her.  I speak to her a couple of times a year.

So I didn't get too worked up about Aunt's news.  Partly because the day we arrived in Hometown for DH's grandfather's funeral in December, I got a call that she was being moved to hospice.  My brother and I both went to see her, and miraculously, by the next day they determined that hospice wasn't necessary. 

So this time around I just told Aunt and Brother to keep me posted.

When we got back to our hotel on Friday night, TT told me that her head was massively itchy. SS reminded me that they had been doing rollerblading in PE, which requires helmets.  And then TT mentioned that two of her closest friends had mentioned lice in the last week. FML.

So we get back to our very dimly-lit hotel room and I commence inspecting TT's hair.  Sure enough, I find nits.  Gag!  This is the first time we have ever encountered lice, and of course it had to happen while we are traveling and all sharing a room and pillows and beds and hairbrushes.

DH and I rush to the nearest store at 10:00 pm to buy a lice kit and flashlight, and we are up until 12:30 washing everyone's hair and using the lice comb.  TT has very long, baby-fine hair and it took forever.  And , of course, there is no way to change out or wash our linens.

 I am highly disturbed by doing all this in a hotel.  Hotels already skeeve me out, and the thought of other people doing this just  makes it worse.

We do the best we can, and I plan on another round of nit-picking once we get home on Sunday.

So we're up and at 'em early Saturday morning.  By that evening Aunt is saying that my mother is declining.  Brother visits her and he thinks it is serious this time and not a false alarm like at Christmas. I talk to DH and plan to go down next weekend.

We headed home Sunday morning--a 6 hour drive.  Within an hour after we arrive Aunt and Brother are calling to tell me to come ASAP.  I am  not entirely trusting that she is declining as rapidly as they are telling me.  I ask Aunt to talk to the hospice nurses to get a better idea of how things look.

We have been down this path before.  MIL practically set a hospice record and we made multiple "you must get here now trips."  But MIL was fighting like hell to stick around as long as possible.  I can help but feeling like my mother is still trying to manipulate my sympathies.  And I know that makes me sound like a terrible person.

And I am exhausted.  Sleep has been minimal this weekend.  The hospice nurse us noncommittal about a timeline. But my brother needs me.  I am the only one who understands our ridiculous relationships with our parents.  And he has always been more sensitive than me.

There is no way I can hop in the car again.  I grab the first flight that I can reasonably catch, which doesn't leave until 9:00 tonight.

So now I'm pulling together a suitcase and work files.  DH will have to deal with what's left of the lice situation. He did inspect my head and found nothing, so finger's crossed that he didn't miss anything.  Because the only way this situation can get worse is if I start spreading lice around hometown.

Monday

Today way hard.  Everyone at work was tiptoeing around me.  They know something is wrong, but they have no idea what. I don't know if their imaginations can conjure up something worse than reality. Right now I can't imagine anything worse than this.

I holed up in my office. I'm just one giant frayed nerve.  I was bitchy to our IT guys, and  anytime someone is nice to me I'm on the verge of tears.  Please don't be nice to me--real lawyers don't cry.

The evening was better.  SS hung out with me for a while and seems happy.  Real happy, not fake happy.  Maybe getting caught lifted a weight off of her.  I hope so.

We talked about summer camp options.  The summer worries me.  With PS's internship, it will just be SS and TT home alone most of the summer.  I think we'll be looking at lots of camps.

Coping

This weekend has been one of the hardest of my life. I just can't stop thinking about it, and that I've failed my child. I'm a giant ball of stress and have developed a perpetual tension headache. I can't sleep.  I did manage find a therapist and she met with DH and me Friday evening and SS on Saturday morning.  So at least we're moving forward there.

In the meantime, DH and I are trying to figure out how to proceed from here, with technology and privacy and alone time and balancing time between three kids. We know that a lot of our attention is devoted to PS right now, and we need to refocus a bit.  January through April are the busy months for robotics, and DH is a mentor for the team, so he is often at school with PS until late. And there's just a lot going on with her right now that gets a lot of attention.

On the other hand, I worry about shifting too much attention to TT, and SS feeling like she's getting the short end of the stick. DH took her out for ice cream tonight for some one-on-one time and to praise her for coming to us about her sister.

We were scheduled to be out of town next weekend for a robotics tournament, leaving the twins with a caregiver, but have cancelled that trip.  PS will go with her team and we will have the weekend at home with SS and TT.  There's another robotics tourney the following weekend that we are taking SS and TT to, because its near  Hometown and we'll get to see some family, and then we have a short trip to one of the twins' favorite places scheduled for Easter weekend and a trip over Memorial Day weekend for TT's state solo competition that we're turning into a mini-vacay.

So we'll get lots of family time over the next few weekends that will hopefully right any right any lopsidedness in attention.  But at the same time, I know that it's not all about attention.  She's told us that this has been going on for a while, and the heavy focus on PS has really only been the last few weeks.

I also question whether she was ready to get caught, and we just missed the signals.  She had asked a couple of weeks ago to go bra shopping (teenage girls might ask to go to Hot Topic or shoe shopping, but not bra shopping) and I delayed because we've just been busy.  In hindsight, I think she was asking because she knew she would get caught.  I just didn't catch the signal.

The good news is that she doesn't seem angry at us.  She willingly went to the therapist.  We did go bra shopping yesterday and she seemed to have fun (I'm sure it helped that we bought a ton of spring clothes.) We spent a couple of hours this evening doing our nails.  So she's not folding in and closing us off.

Failure

There is so much going on around here lately.  Lots of decisions, and changes, and many good things. And then yesterday my whole world was brought to a screeching halt.

One of my kids is cutting.  Her sister saw the marks when they were goofing around and immediately texted me. I flew out of the office, broke many traffic laws on the way home, and tried to figure out how in the hell I was going to handle this.

The thing is, I wasn't surprised. This kid has definitely been through some changes over the last several months.  She went from my glittery pink girly-girl in love with a Disney-made boyband to a too-much eyeliner wearing teen who only wears punk rock t-shirts.  Her friend group completely changed--from kids I liked and whose families I knew well to kids I knew nothing about and didn't particularly like. But those kids won't be going to her high school next year, so I was just holding my breath and trying to wait out the next three months, knowing her friend group would likely change again when she started high school in the fall.

And I had heard her mention cutting--talking about her friends or band members who cut.

I saw a scratch on her arm a few weeks ago--talked to her about it, bought her excuse, and made a mental note to keep an eye on things.  But she wasn't showing signs of depression.  Her grades are great.  She seems happy--actually the happiest of all my kids. I spent virtually all of last weekend with her--she had a solo contest (and qualified for the state competition!), and we did some shopping and celebrating  and watched Grease (her first time and my millionth).

So I wasn't surprised by the text, but I guess I expected it to be superficial teen experimenting. I was shocked by what I saw.  It wasn't a few scratches.  It was scores.  Completely covering her abdomen and upper thighs.  Places I would never see.  And it's obviously been going on for a while.

She immediately 'fessed up. Showed me all the marks.  Told me what she was using (she had 5 utility knives in her room!).

I talked to her, calmly, and mostly kept it together.  Then I sent her to shower and went downstairs and collapsed into sobs.  My child is broken.  I don't know how to fix her.

Once I pulled it together, I started researching. Did she need to immediately go to an inpatient facility or was outpatient therapy sufficient?  I tried calling a counselor that we had seen once before.  Of course, nobody ever answers the fucking phone there (seriously, can you imagine running a practice without a live operator?).  I got a voicemail back hours later saying, "we have a waiting list, if this is an emergency please call 911."  Could you be any more fucking useless? How about a fucking referral?

Meanwhile, I concluded that I did not want to go the route of inpatient therapy and am desperately trying to find a counselor.  But it was too late in the day yesterday to reach anybody and apparently at least 50% of counselors don't work on Fridays.  And all the ones in my town seem to have waiting lists.

I'm working from home today because we're on spring break and I'm not about to leave her unsupervised at this point. I've got all of her electronic devices, trying to figure out a plan for closer monitoring.  I don't want to punish her by taking them away, but I need to control communication with this new friend group, which seems obsessed with suicide and self-harm. (Yes, I have been reading her chats since all this came to light.  Also, we had to get involved when one of her friends was threatening to commit suicide a few weeks ago.) 

I really need to talk to a professional about how to respond appropriately. My irrational side wants to make her change schools and cut off all communication with the outside world.  My rational side knows this is a terrible idea. I am so lost right now.

Success!

We're back from our cruise. It was just DH and me while the girls were in school.  It was a wonderful getaway for us, but I think it also forced some self-sufficiency onto the girls (no, they weren't left alone.)

PS has had her driver's license for a few months now, but hates driving and avoids it at almost all costs.  But she had to drive herself to and from school all week in order to attend her robotics meetings and she did just fine.  Our 'burb has no public transportation and her high school is in BFE.  Not driving is just not an option for her.

And she was offered an internship this week!!!  A couple of  big-wigs of a robotics company started mentoring her robotics team team this year and seem pretty impressed with her.  She can work full time over the summer if she wants and will make a couple of bucks above minimum wage. Of course, she'll also have to drive to take the internship.

Making my child a productive member of society makes me feel like a successful parent.  And this is in the field that she wants to go into and will look great on her college apps.  I'm so excited for her!

Meanwhile, SS auditioned for and got a part in the school musical without any support or assistance on my part. (Because she forgot about the audition packed for the entire week before we left when I repeatedly asked if there was anything we needed to take care of beforehand.)

TT seems to be floating a bit, trying to find her thing.  I'm a bit worried about her getting lost in the crowd when she transitions to the humongous high school next year, but she's pretty resilient.

Overall, it was a good week for everyone in the LC household.

Nose Hair Waxing

I turned 40 today.  I can't say that I'm super excited about that, but it isn't bothering me nearly as much as turning 30 did.

For my birthday/Christmas/ our anniversary last month we are leaving on a cruise tomorrow. It wasn't planned, but I got an email last month with a really good deal leaving the day after my birthday, and my work calendar was remarkably clear that week, and I got a check for almost exactly the amount of the cruise, and so it just seemed like fate was telling us to go.

So I headed out this morning for a much overdue pedi and eyebrow wax.  I hate pedicures.  I don't really like people touching me in any circumstances, and my feet are particularly sensitive.  But I also couldn't spend the next week in flip-flops without a little TLC, so off I went.  And I had a good tech and it was surprisingly pleasant.

When I headed back for the wax, I was also talked into a lip wax.  I usually use a cream on my upper lip, but it hasn't been working very well lately (probably because I'm getting old), and so I agreed. And then she started putting wax in my nose.  Wait--what???  That's a thing? I did not know people did that. I guess it's nothing compared to a Brazilian. But  is this now a standard thing when getting your lip done?  Or is my 40-year-old nose suddenly growing 80-year-old man hair and the tech just though it had to be done?

Anyway, it didn't hurt nearly as much as the lip or brow and I'm glad that I don't have 80-year-old man nose hair.

The Day After

Our plans to travel to Hometown this morning were thwarted by sickness.  TT, who has been on antibiotics for an ear infection for the past week, spent most of Christmas day complaining that her ear was hurting again and the entire side of her face was throbbing.  DH started developing a sore throat.

I sent them both to urgent care this morning.  DH has strep and TT has a sinus infection.  So we've delayed our trip.

Although we received a text on Christmas morning that DH's grandpa was declining, there hasn't been much change.  The day was tense, constantly watching the phone, but I am thankful that he made it past Christmas.

The girls had a good day.  Last night SS came downstairs and gave me a kiss and said "I love you!  This was the best Christmas ever!" All she wanted for Christmas was  "band merch" and concert tickets.  The tickets were so cheap that I bought four--enough for each twin to go and take a friend, and she got plenty of band merch, too. It's been a long time since we've seen them so excited about something.

TT got Doctor Who Monopoly, and we spent most of the day playing.  PS complained a bit, but I know she had fun.  It was a great family day, despite the sad undertone.

Not So Merry Christmas

We found out yesterday that DH's grandpa was being admitted to hospice.  It was something of a surprise, as we didn't know he was seriously ill.  He had surgery a week or so ago that we knew was serious.  He came through that ok, but then had some issues in recovery, and here we are.  Now we feel like we are just waiting for the phone to ring with bad news.

We were already planning to head to Hometown on Friday. We discussed going earlier so that DH can see his grandfather, but he would rather remember him as he saw him last, and not in a sick bed.  Also, his grandfather is in the same hospice that MIL was in, and I think DH just doesn't want to go there (and neither do I, but it's up to him).  In fact, FIL told us that the hospice put Grandpa in a suite because they remembered us and how large the family is.

So now we don't know what will happen or how long we will need to stay in Hometown, but we will be packing heavily.

Ironically, we have been far more focused on my grandparents' failing health.  They both have dementia and were moved to an assisted living facility a few months ago.  My grandmother has declined rapidly and my dad thinks they need to be moved somewhere with a higher level of care.  My aunt, who has power of attorney, disagrees.  I've requested a family meeting, following a Saturday afternoon get-together, to which all have grudgingly agreed.

If my aunt wants to make a power play adverse to my grandparents' best interests, I will have to pull the lawyer card and threaten to file a guardianship action, which would trump the power of attorney.  I do not want to do this, as it will start a war. I'm hopeful that we can have a civil and reasonable discussion, but reason does not always prevail in my family.

My dad and his sister do not get along at all, and my cousin and I have been stuck as the middle-women. My cousin suggested a group gift of new recliners for the grandparents.  My side reluctantly agreed (because they think the grandparents need to move and may not be able to take their chairs), with a pre-set budget.  My aunt was to handle the arrangements.  She spent twice the agreed budget, without any consultation.  I told her we will not contribute more.

Meanwhile, I am getting lots of pressure to visit my mother.  I haven't spoken to her in 18 months, since she skipped my brother's wedding.  She had her leg amputated a few weeks ago, and her health has continued to decline.  If I go, I want to take her the leg lamp from A Christmas Story, but my family has forbidden it.  Apparently she's depressed about losing the limb that has been completely useless and trying to kill her for the last 2.5 years. (Yes this sounds harsh, but she has spent 85% of her time since a major joint replacement in care facilities due to infections in the leg.  She was already wheelchair-bound and the doctors recommended amputation two years ago, but she has refused.)

I hate family drama.  This is why I usually find a reason to travel over the holidays.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure how many of our grandparents will be around for another Christmas, and we thought it necessary to go to Hometown this year. I am dreading it.

Tap Tap Tap...Is This Thing On?

So, it's been a while.  I did not voluntarily disappear.  I was in the jury pool for a high-profile death penalty case. (You've probably heard about it.) There was a ridiculously long, duplicative, and overly nosy jury questionnaire required me to reveal the existence of this blog, and so I made it private. Hopefully I'm off the radar now that the trial is over. I don't love that my anonymity has been compromised in my own community,  but I don't want to give up everything I've built here, either.  I don't think there's anything too salacious in my old posts, anyway.

Individual voir dire was required in the case I was called for, and so I waited and waited and waited to hear that I was off the hook.  Except I was never called for individual voir dire, nor was I ever informed that I was released from the jury pool.  As someone who is quite invested in how our community perceives the jury system, I am more than a little irritated at the treatment here. Hundreds of people were called for this jury.  We never heard one peep about continuances or when we were released from our obligations.  And of course that obligation included avoiding all media where we might learn about these things.  Court system fail!

I've missed blogging, but it wasn't very motivating without an audience. Hopefully I can get back into the swing of things.  The blog is a good outlet.

Suckas...

or what kind of IDIOT stands in line for five hours for a ride???

Not me, that's for sure.  Oh wait....

Sometime around March we took a family vote on where to vacation.  I voted for NYC with a side trip into Canada (where PS is contemplating applying for college). The kids voted for the Wizarding World of  Harry Potter in Universal Studios Orlando.  I was outvoted.  And Universal seemed like something they should do while young.  But I wasn't about to spend my entire vacation inan amusement park. So we planned four days in Key West before heading up to Orlando for a. Purple of days, and then off to drop PS at camp in Georgia.

I carefully planned my vacation around the camp schedules and my trial schedule, trying to stay several weeks out from a big arbitration in late August. Oh, the best laid plans.

When the kids first suggested Universal we had no idea that a new Harry Potter was opening soon.  But all the ads said it would open in Summer 2014, so I assumed it would happen weeks before our visit and crowds would thin a bit.

Meanwhile, TT and SS went to camp and I got the dreaded emergency call after SS sliced open her foot and had to go to the ER to be stitched up.  3 weeks before our beach vacay. But kids heal within 10 days, they said.  Until we took her to have stitches out 10 days later and there was still a gaping hole in her foot. And 3 weeks and 2 specialists later there remains a gaping hole in her foot.  So no water, no sand, no kayaking, no snorkeling, no long walks.

I cut two days off Key West. And added one day at Disney. Because Disney is wheelchair friendly. And no sand. And no water, if you avoid Splash Mountain.  Oh wait, I didn't plan for torrential rains. But we just wrapped the foot in a shopping bag and it was all good (it had lots of waterproof wrapping already).

Finally made it to Key West, which was awesome. We stayed in a lovely bed and breakfast with gorgeous grounds. But we didn't have a wheelchair there and couldn't do as much exploring as we would have liked. On our only full day we sent the kids to the museums and DH and I went kayaking through the mangroves.  That was the highlight of our trip.  It was such a unique experience, with plants and wildlife we would never see anywhere else.

And then we headed back up to Orlando for Universal.  TWO DAYS after the new Diagon Alley section of the park opened.  Believe me, I would never have planned that. I hate lines, crowds, and people in my personal space bubble.  Fortunately, I had booked us in an on site hotel so that we could take advantage of express passes and early entry for the aforementioned reasons long before the grand opening date was released.  So we thought the park would still be manageable.

We got up at 5:00 to get in line at 6 for entry at 7.  The plan was to hit the new Gringotts ride first and  avoid the 7 hour waits that were all over the news the day before.  I measure my life in 6 minute increments.  I have left multiple doctors' offices due to too long waits. There's not much in life I'm willing to wait hours for.

So we headed straight for Gringotts when the park opened and were in the queue by 7. They told us it wouldn't be operating til 9. But we knew this was our best shot at avoiding an even longer line and so we remained.  And at 9 we moved 20 feet and stopped.  And then they told us 10. Which came and went. And then 10:30. Which also came and went. But by then we had already invested so much time that we were loathe to leave. And on an ordinary day the kids would just be rolling out of bed so int wasn't really lost time, right?  Plus they let us out of line to get snacks and go to the bathroom.  Yes, we did have meat pies and Butterbeer for breakfast. If that isn't great parenting, I don't know what is.

We began moving slowly near 11. Which was enough of a carrot to keep us in line.  And so didn't load until noon.  5 hours after we got in line for Gringotts. 6 after we arrived at the park.

If  anyone would have asked me if I would stand in line for five hours for a ride, I would have said hell no.  But I did.  Because those little carrots of intel and movement kept us in place.  But I am peeved at Universal for how they handled the whole situation (the ride wasn't working, we would have waited less than 30 minutes otherwise). They need to a bit of  reading in the Disney playbook.  They had a horde of angry customers--people who could have been spending money elsewhere in the park if they had shut down the queue and given us return passes once the ride was up.

Once we finally got on, the ride was amazing.  A whole new dimension in roller coaster technology.  And Diagon Alley is stunning.  The level of detail is unbelievable.  If you're an HP fan, it is absolutely worth visiting--just not this week.

Overall, this has not been our best vacation between having to work around SS' foot issue and the insanity of the HP crowds at Universal.  I really needed the tropical beachy wind-down time, which just didn't really happen.  Oh, and did I mention that I have to take a major deposition they day after I get back. Super!

Hail and Tornadoes and Dirt Fog, Oh My!

Last weekend we made a very impromptu trip to Denver.  PS's robotics team had a competition there, but PS's grades have been super crappy and we did not pay the fee for her to travel with her team. We told her she was on probation and if she managed to pull her grades up, then she and her dad could fly in to see the competition.  That way she would miss only one day of school instead of three.  And to a teenager it is actually punishment to miss out on a 15 hour bus ride with friends.

I kept my fingers crossed that she would pull it out, but her grades remained crappy, and it became increasingly clear that flying in wasn't going to happen, either.  So PS was mad at me for being the mean mom, and DH was mad at me because he has been a mentor to the team this season and he really wanted to go. (I convinced him that he could not go without her.  It would crush her for her dad to go hang with her friends when she couldn't.  We were trying to punish her, not destroy her soul.)  I am big on following through with punishments, and I wasn't backing down while her grades were in the toilet.

A week before the competition, her grades were still crap.  And then they suddenly started rising.  Teachers entered old grades they had been sitting on.  She got the highest grade on an Algebra test ever.  The grades weren't good, but they were significantly better than they were a month prior.

And so DH and I decided late Wednesday afternoon that we would make the trek to Denver on Thursday.  Flights were too expensive by then, and DH didn't want to make the drive alone.  So we would all go, but we wouldn't pull the kids out of school on Thursday, so we couldn't leave until 4.  And competition started at 9:00 on Friday--meaning a very long drive in a very short window.

We faced nearly every possible weather event along the way.  Our car was pounded with hail on the way out of town (if you have never been in a hail storm in a car, it is terrifying--and our car wasn't even damaged), and missed a tornado by minutes.  We saw the clouds start to swirl and spotters standing along the highway and less than five minutes later the radio confirmed an on-the-ground tornado in the exact location we had just passed.

Fortunately we were moving away from those storms, but into wind storms.  It was work to keep the car on the road, and tumbleweeds were zipping across the road faster than I have ever seen.  There was no avoiding them, and they are still embedded in my grill. And then the dirt fog.  It looked like fog, but it was brown. Not kidding.

We dropped the twins off with relatives in Hometown along the way (they were happy to avoid rest of the drive and the competition) and continued our trek. By then it was midnight and we are traveling on pitch black, two lane rural roads.

And once we crossed into the mountains there was snow and ice on the ground.  We left home at a balmy 84 degrees and arrived to 17 degree temps.  It had not occurred to me that snow was a possibility, and we looked a little silly in our shorts and flip-flops when we arrived at our hotel at 5:00 am--just in time to get a couple hours sleep.

It was an exhausting weekend, but we were so glad that we let PS go.  Robotics is the activity she cares the most about, and where all her friends are (she is an emotional robot, and she actually cried when we told her she could go).  Her team did great, and we're glad that she (and we) got to see it.  They won the competition and get to compete at the world championships again in a couple of weeks.St. Louis, here we come.  But DH and I have already booked our flights this time around. (Although I am slightly terrified to put PS on a bus after that horrific accident in California.)

Life With Teenagers

Can't live with them, can't kill them.

For years I have waited for each of my kids to find her "thing."  The one thing she is really willing to dedicate herself to and work hard hard to excel at.  My kids aren't athletic, so there was never much hope there.  But we've offered a host of lessons and classes so that they could explore and figure out what they are best at and enjoy the most.

For PS that this is art.  She's always been a pretty good artist, but she very much just wants to do her own thing.  When she started high school I pushed very hard for her to take art just so that she would have an easy class to balance out a tough schedule.  She reluctantly agreed (only after she was cut from the soccer team), and then she loved it and really grew as an artist.  And so we supported her and bought her all of the quality art supplies that she wanted.  Outside of class, she taught herself digital art, and we made sure she has all of the equipment and software she needs for that, too.

She decided that she wants to be an animator and go to art school.  And we have been supportive of her goals.  But she will not help herself work on her goals.  She will only draw what she wants.  It started out as manga characters, and then moved on to photorealistic comic-book type characters.  Mostly scantily-clad girls.  And they are really good.  But that is all.she.draws.

I tried to tell her that she needs to expand her portfolio if she wants to go to art school. Her response was "I'm working at perfecting eyes and noses right now.  I don't want to do anything else until I have the face perfected."  And an implied "what do you know about going to art school?"

Her eyes and noses are great.  But she's not getting into art school drawing only eyes and noses. So I told her that I wanted her to research portfolio requirements for 5 schools.  She did--but she's still drawing the girls.

And then we got an catalog for a summer programs for high school students at a well-regarded art school.  I begged her to look at it or research other summer art programs.  And she won't freaking do it.  I said," fine, you're going to this one if you don't come up with anything else."  She needs to work on being more independent and she needs to learn about the importance of building a portfolio from someone besides me. 

She doesn't want to go.  She says that she doesn't want someone "cramming down her throat" what she has to draw.  That would be fine if she just wanted to draw as a hobby.  But if that's what she wants to do for a career, she's going to have to draw what she gets paid to draw. (She says she doesn't like drawing animals.  But she wants to be a Pixar Animator.  Hellooooo?  There are animals or non-human creatures in every freaking Pixar movie!)

I loved summer camps when I was a kid--I got away from my crazy dysfunctional family life.  And it was fun.  My best memories are from band camp (yes, I was a nerd, but I was surrounded by other nerds there). I'm certain that she will have fun hanging out with other brooding artists, but it feels wrong to force her into it. I think she's just afraid of going somewhere she doesn't know anybody.

There are so many kids who would kill to go to a fancy art camp and who won't have that opportunity.  It just kills me that she doesn't care--particularly when art is the path that she is choosing and I just want to help her succeed.  Believe me, if I got to control her life, I'd push for a career in engineering, not art.

This Is A Poor Pitiful Me Post

I turned 39 earlier this year, and I have never felt more my age. I don't like it one bit.  A few months ago I went to the doc because it felt like I had PMS every two weeks. I think I'm perimenopausal (although I really shouldn't be old enough for that), but since I had an ablation, the most tell take sign isn't there.  But the bitchiness, bloating and boob soreness was constant., so the doc put me on the pill, which does seem to have regulated things.

But I cannot freaking get rid of the handful of pounds that I gained due to holiday excess and carby winter comfort foods.  I think it's because of the pill and it is so freaking frustrating.

And then there are the stupid floaters.  The retina specialist didn't find any signs of a retinal tear, but he did say I have an unusually high number of floaters for someone my age.  Yay me!

And then there is my skin.  I had nearly-perfect skin as a teenager, and I guess I get to pay for that now.  The skin around my nose flakes constantly, despite trying every moisturizer on the planet. And my nose is constantly red.  Between the redness and the flakiness, I constantly look drunk or like I've been snorting coke. I figured the redness was rosacea, but I didn't know what the flaking was about.  I finally saw a dermatologist (who I loved!) who confirmed my rosacea Google diagnosis and said the flaking was sebhorrheic dermatitis. He gave me a huge bag of samples and a handful of prescriptions (which he told me not to fill if they were super expensive because he could prescribe something else--what doctor does that?) and sent me on my way.  And the samples are working!  I texted DH the other day so excited because I checked the mirror in the middle of the day and my nose was normal skin color and I didn't looked sauced.  Woot!

But geez, with my pill and cream cocktail every morning I feel about 80, not pushing 40.

So, since the twins randomly decided they were going to take tennis at school this semester, I signed myself up for lessons with their private instructor so that we can all play together (none of us have ever played before). I am so nonathletic and was a bit nervous about starting a new sport, but my instructor is so peppy and encouraging and all around awesome.  I love tennis, and I'm getting a great workout.

I'm also trying to start working yoga back into my day (it was a great way to stretch out after fencing, which is on hold until the end of robotics season) and to start up evening walks now that it is finally warming up a bit. And I've cut back on all the carby goodness. But my stupid waistline is not budging.  Grrrr.

Delicious Victory

So I have a case that can only be compared to a Hydra.  Because by "a case" I mean 5 lawsuits and a couple of arbitrations all involving mostly the same parties and facts, but they can't really be consolidated. And opposing counsel for a couple of these parties have been exceptionally difficult to deal with, making this matter increasingly contentious.

I filed a motion in one of the cases, which if I won, would cut off a bunch of those hydra heads without regrowth.  It wasn't dispositive, but it would be a huge help with managing the monster. Opposing counsel filed a counter-motion asking for sanctions, basically calling me a liar. Never mind that I had made the same representation to three different courts and would be putting my bar license on the line if my representations were untrue.  But OC's best defense was to call me liar.  So that made this motion more than a little personal.

Unfortunately, no one in my office had any confidence that I would win. They had never seen anyone even try to make the argument that I was making.   But I had good, binding authority that, while not precisely on point, was pretty darn close. And OC left all of her legal arguments on the table--she could have mounted a decent legal defense, but she decided to stick with "LC's a liar." I simply attached an affidavit to my reply. If I were lying, I was also committing perjury.

Apparently the judge didn't think I was dumb enough to lie to three courts and commit perjury.  OC's motion for sanctions was denied and my motion was granted. It was a great victory.

The next day DH sent warm, freshly baked cookies to my office to celebrate.  Because he's awesome like that.  And in my world, cookies are way better than flowers.

Life

Life is rolling along here in the LC household.  Robotics season is in full swing.  DH is a mentor this year, so he is up at school as much as PS (actually more, because we've forced her to cut back and focus more on school).  That means a lot of evenings with just me and the twin girlies.

Last night DH and PS were at school until after 10. I had to have my eyes dilated, so the twins and I just ordered in and hung out watching Sherlock. They had been wanting to start the series, but I thought that I should at least watch the first episode with them to make sure it was ok, after my big parenting fail of not checking out Torchwood before they were already through the first season and a couple of people asked us "um, are you sure your twelve-year olds should be watching that?" No, the answer is no, Torchwood is not appropriate for 12-year olds.  But they did self-monitor and skip over the orgasm monster episode. Anyway, we all loved Sherlock and watched the first two episodes last night! (I was skeptical because I watched one episode of Elementary and it was awful.)

Anyway, I have been wearing contacts for 25 years and therefore have had annual eye exams for the last 25 years and have never had my eyes dilated until this year, when I mentioned that I have been having a lot of floaters. So, the eye doc dilated my eyes and poked around, and found a minor weird thing in one eye, and told me to come back in a month.  In the meantime, the floaters got worse.  They are almost constant.  It's kind of annoying.  Yesterday she dilated them again and took another look around.  Nothing new, but she thought the floaters shouldn't be getting worse, so she's sending me to a retina specialist for more extensive testing.  Fun! A hole in your retina is a great thing to contemplate when 75% of your job involves reading.

DH and PS are again spending a good part of the day at robotics, but I have demanded his presence for some V-day alone time tonight.  We usually don't celebrate Valentine's day.  It goes back to all those years of financial struggling, and we had Christmas and our anniversary in December, and my birthday in January and by February we were just broke and all gifted out. But DH and I have been in a bit of a rut lately. And I totally blew his birthday way back in July (I was insanely busy at work, and my brother's wedding was on his birthday, and he had to drive the girls to Hometown while I flew in later that day because I had to take a deposition and it was an all-around sucky day for him and I never really made up for it.)  So, I planned a super-fun day for today, but I haven't yet revealed the details to him, so I'll have to update later.  I am super-excited--it's like a little mini staycation, and we need the alone time, but I'm having to drag him away from robotics (their deadline is next week, so it is a key weekend), and it's cutting into our day a bit.  Oh well, they can have him back tomorrow!

Olympic Memories

Watching the  opening ceremonies I was reminded of the moments of my life that were happening during the Olympics, and how much life happened during those four-year intervals.

In 1994 I was a college freshman living in a dorm.  Only a couple of girls on my floor had televisions, so every night several of us would pile into a friend's tiny room to watch figure skating.  That was the year of  Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan, so there was lots of drama.  It was such a fun way to watch the games.

By 1998 I had married and graduated college and was pregnant with PS (wow, a lot happened during those 4 years). I had severe hyperemesis and was bedridden on IV fluids. We had no cable and pretty much the only thing to watch on television during that time was the Olympics.  I don't have such great memories of those games.

I have little memory of the next couple of games--probably because I was busy with little kids and going to school. In 2002 the twins were infants.  Their whole first year is an exhaustion induced blur. A short four years later in 2006 I was in my 2L year--I definitely wasn't watching much television then.

And then, the 2010 Olympics. Those happened while MIL was dying.  We watched an awful lot of the games while sitting in hospice.   Those several weeks were among the worst we have ever endured (topped only possibly by my horrific pregnancy with the twins), but I also remember it as a time of the entire family coming together and receiving so much generosity from friends, family and even near strangers.

It seems hard to believe that another four years has passed.  It is harder to believe that MIL has been gone for almost four years now.  We still haven't gotten over the unfairness of it. And after all our togetherness while at hospice, the family was torn apart just a few months later by FIL's hasty remarriage and those tears still haven't been repaired.

I'm left wondering what will happen over the next four years.  PS will graduate high school and be in college.  TT and SS will be juniors in high school.  Where will our careers take us?  How will our family change?  How many more family members will we lose?

Goodbye, Holiday Break

After a frenzied fall, the holiday break has been a nice reprieve.  It was insane leading up to the break, with holiday parties and school concerts and semester exams and lots of work deadlines to meet.  But everything pretty much dropped off on December 20th.  No yelling at the kids about homework.  All my cases are on simmer instead of roiling boil. 

And the mornings are so relaxed.  I can sleep until the sun comes up, leisurely prepare for the day and then head to the office with virtually no traffic. When the kids are in school, I spend at least 1.5 hours in the car in the morning.  Over the holidays, my commute, sans the 20 mile look to drop kids, is 30 minutes.

I'm not looking forward to getting back to the grind next week.  PS is at the robotics kickoff event right now, which means that the robotics season is officially in full swing and will stay that way until April. On top of all of the craziness we have with all of the other kids' activities.

All of this just makes me ready for summer.

Accomplishments and Plans

2013 Accomplishments

I don’t feel  like I did much last year. It felt like a treading-water kind of year.  Mostly staying in place, not moving forward or backward. But surely something happened.

   1.  I tried something new.  That would be fencing with my girls.  I am quite unathletic and not generally inclined to do something that I am not naturally good at, so this was a big step for me.  But I liked it, and it helped me get in better shape!  ( I have a bit of a booty now! I have had a flat ass my entire life, but fencing footwork involves a perpetual squat position that is apparently building up my butt muscles.  Bonus!) 
 
   2.   I finally lost all that law school weight. I feel so much better without the extra pounds, although I could still stand to lose a few.  Most importantly, I made good lifestyle changes, so I have kept the weight off and my diet is much better than it was before and some other health issues have improved.
 
   3.   I continued to build my book of business.  My book is small, and not enough to support myself, but I have had at least one decent-sized case that is all my own consistently for the last 3 years—with a few smaller clients mixed in as well.

   4.   I finally found a new GP who actually addressed an ongoing health condition (GERD).  It is finally under control.  I considered surgery, but decided to hold off because I don't like the risks.  But for now my symptoms are controlled wotj meds and I no longer have the daily experience of having a knife thrust into my chest.

   5.   Family stuff--the twins completed elementary and moved on to middle school.  It has been a huge transition, just based on the increase in business.  PS survived her first year of high school and created a solid place for herself on her robotics team. DH won a couple of fancy awards at work, and was offered a new job that we ultimately turned down (after a lot of very difficult contemplation).


2014 Plans

I'll not call them resolutions because resolutions never pan out.

     1.   Figure out what I want to do with my career.  It's been a bit stagnant lately.  I need to decide if I want to stay on the course or find another.  The figuring out should really be a first quarter goal, with the remainder of the year dedicated to implementing my plan.

    2.   Put our house on the market and make a move. We've been waiting for years for the housing market to improve so that we didn't lose our equity.  The time has come, and, from what we're hearing, our area is hot. This is a huge step.  We bought this house on a single income that was significantly smaller than  either of our current incomes.  Which means we have a very small house payment compared to our current combined income.  There is a lot of security there, but it is time. This is very much a starter house and we never intended to stay here as long as we have.

   3.  Make our house homey again.  This goes along with No. 2, but is also a separate goal.  I looked around recently and realized that we have completely ignored and neglected the state of our home.   There are chips and nicks and shabbiness that we've just managed to block out as they slowly appeared over time.  So many of our household belongings date back to when we were married--18 years ago!  And nearly all of our furniture is more than 10 years old.  The house just hasn't been my focus, and it shows.

   4.  Let It Go. This will be my theme for the year (although I suspect this is in my head because the kids play the song from Frozen about a million times a day.)  But it applies to me.  I freely admit that I am a high-strung control-freak.  And it's a big part of what makes me good at my job.  But it's not so good when it affects the other areas of my life.  I was just smacked in the face with how my control-freakishness was affecting PS and how much stress it was causing.  I can't control everything around me all the time, no matter how much I think otherwise.

It's The Final Batman!

Yes, Batman arrived in a Tardis to battle Joker riding on a giant robot. It complimented our Very Whovian Christmas--I pretty much bought out the Doctor Who collections at ThinkGeek and Hot Topic.

There were not really any big ticket gifts for the girls this year.  When I asked them what they wanted for Christmas, all I got was "band merch" and 'Doctor Who stuff."  So that is what they got.

PS also asked for, and received, "the biggest set of Prismacolors you can find."  Those are pretty pricey, but not iPod pricey.  She is becoming an amazing artist, and we are trying to be supportive.  I've said for years that everyone needs to find the one thing they are better at than most people.  It took a while to figure it out, but for PS that thing seems to be art.  It's funny, because I really pushed her into taking an art class in high school because her course load was really tough and I thought she needed a blow-off class.  She had always been pretty good a drawing, but she really blossomed over the last year or so.  And she will spend hours working on one drawing--or how to perfect eyelashes.

A few years ago we got her a Bamboo digital drawing tablet.  It sat around, mostly unused for a while. But then she started teaching herself digital art  several months ago. And I am amazed. This is one of the first pieces that she did (the weird line is my doing) and she has only gotten better since:

So, yeah, she got her fancy pencils.  And she is talking about going to art school.  Which my pragmatic, conservative self wants to rail against.  But she loves art, and she is good at art. And all I really want for my children is for them to be happy in their career and life choices. 

Christmases Past and Present

This year we spent a quiet Christmas at home, just DH and the kids and me. I like our quiet family Christmases, but I wonder if we are depriving our kids by not giving them noisy, boisterous Christmases fully of cousins and aunts and uncles.

As as kid I had divorced parents and one set of divorced grandparents.  Christmas Eve and Day were filled with visiting family, sometimes as many as five different gatherings over the two-day period once step-parents were added into the mix. After DH and I were married and we added in his families' celebrations, things only got more chaotic. We never lived in Hometown during our married life, so the holidays always meant trekking back to Hometown and staying with his parents.

And then we had kids. It wasn't so bad making the rounds with just one kid.  But the first Christmas back home with the twins and I was done.  We had six celebrations to attend over the course of two days with 6 month old twins and a 3 year old in tow.  Needless to say, it was not a pleasant experience, and with that I said no more. From that point on we would be spending Christmas in our own home.  Anyone who wanted to join us was welcome, and we would come down after the holidays to visit our immediate families.

It was a good decision.  And our parents did come to visit a time or two, when the kids were little.  But then MIL got sick, and my relationship with my mother worsened, and most years it's just been the 5 of us. Now that the kids are older we sometimes travel, like last year.

Other years are like this one. On Christmas Eve we went to church, and then opened a few gifts and played games and watched movies together.  Christmas Day brought more gifts, and a day of lounging in our PJ's, playing with our new toys. It's a pretty good way to spend a holiday.  I just hope the kids feel the same.