Summer!

School ended yesterday.  Woohoo!!  I am always happy about the lazy, low(er) stress summer days. This year has sucked so far, and I feel  like summer is a chance to reset.

I thought that I had this parenting thing down pretty well.  My children and kind and smart and well-adjusted.  I am frequently complimented on them.  We seemed to be getting it right, for the most part.

And then I found out that one of my children was slicing through her own flesh to deal with her emotional pain.  So it doesn't seem like we were getting it right at all.  There's not much that could make me feel like a bigger failure.

And then PS.  She is so, so smart, and has so much potential, but her grades have sucked for the last two years.  We redid her schedule last year because she was so stressed that she was making herself sick.  This year seemed more about a lack of focus.  She lost focus on school, and even on robotics.  She over-extended herself, and didn't follow through with all of her commitments. And she got a boyfriend (which may well be the source of the lack of focus).  I harped on her that this is THE year that colleges look at. But I can't get her to focus on college.  She is now, officially, a senior, but she has no clue where she might want to apply.

I always had high hopes that she would have the opportunity to attend a great college, but her grades have pretty much foreclosed that option.  Her grades aren't bad--they're all A's and B's (sometimes by the skin of her teeth).  They will get her into a good school--just not a great one.  Which I guess doesn't really matter, because she doesn't seem to want to wander too far for college.  I don't know what that says about my parenting.  I wanted as far away from my parents as possible.  She'd be happy taking online classes and never leaving her room.

There are plenty of good-not-great schools within a few hours from home.  They just aren't what I ever envisioned with her, and I am struggling to realign my hopes and dreams with her choices and desires. She's a good kid.  She's smart and has a ton of talent.  She will be fine no matter where she goes to school.  I just feel like I've worked my ass off so that my kids can have better opportunities than I did, and they aren't taking advantage of it. I need to get past this.

And then the whole situation with my mother, that hit me harder than I expected and the unnecessary family drama that arose with it. 

And then work has been a cluster of clusterfucks lately.  And I am trying to figure out my long-term goals, because I am not very happy with the way things are right now.   I still don't have that figured out yet, but DH and I have been discussing out long term financial goals, which include ensuring that I have the financial flexibility to make professional changes.  We were very close to buying a new house early this year, and it was one of our resolutions from the previous year.  We had taken a lot of steps toward that end before we stepped back and looked at what we really wanted.  In the end, we decided to live with our modest home and our modest mortgage for a while longer, for myriad reasons.

So anyway, summer! The kids finished out the year ok--PS got the highest grade in her class on her Pre-Cal final--the class that has been her biggest struggle all year.  SS seems better.  She is drawing in sketchbooks and sometimes on her skin instead of cutting through it.  The sun is finally shining, and we are moving forward.