I have been feeling a bit off lately. Cranky and short-tempered. Not as productive and organized as usual. And I'm pretty sure it's starting to show at work. At least twice in the last week one of my bosses have asked me about something that I either completely forgot about or was slow to complete. That is definitely not my style.
I'm not sure what the source of my off-ness is. I think a lot of it has to do with being worried about TT. At her appointment last week, I expected the rheumatologist to say that the ANA test is an unreliable indicator and that she just needed a recheck in a few months. Instead she ordered a battery of new bloodwork. They are testing for Lupus. TT doesn't have most of the typical symptoms, but she has a few. And it will be another week before we have test results.
Lupus is scary. Definitely not something that I want one of my kids to have to deal with. But I feel like we are too lucky. We have three really awesome kids. They don't have behavior issues. They don't have mental health issues. They don't have health issues (until now). They are smart and do well in school.
It seems so unfair that my kids don't have any real problems when I have friends and acquaintances whose kids have autism and Tourette's and epilepsy and severe behavioral and mental health issues and cancer. And so I'm afraid that it's our turn to have to deal with something terrible.
I felt almost despondent today when I spilled a cup of coffee all over my desk. It didn't hit anything important--so no big deal, right? But it just felt like one more thing piling up on me. I need to shake this off and get over this hump.
8 comments:
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think everyone does at one time or another, but it's hard, I think particularly so when you know you have a great life and you should be grateful and so many people have it worse, but dammit you just feel down and want to wallow for a day or two. I've been there, and I've decided it's important to wallow every now and then. Yes, you are lucky, but that doesn't mean things aren't sometimes hard or that Lupus isn't scary just because it isn't cancer. Good luck to you and TT and I hope you get good news soon.
LL has an uncanny ability to say what I wanted to say, only she invariably says it better.
I hope you get good news! Doctor visits always have the affect of making people extra worried and paranoid. I hope they are just being overly cautious in this case. Isn't it weird how we can carrying around these heavy weights and then something silly, like spilt coffee, can releash a torrent of emotions?
I'm sorry you're having an off few days. I guess it's balance isn't it - down days make us appreciate the up. It's unusual to have none.
That said, I don't think that there's any natural order of down-ness that the good stuff brings on - so you're not "due" for health issues. I hope that TT is fine and that you bounce back.
(BTW - even if there is a universal quota of difficult times - surely you had yours when pregnant - sounds like you did the hard yards then! And also with jerk boss - you've come through tough times before to find joy on the other side, and I'm sure your tenacity and ability to focus haven't entirely deserted you!)
Worrying sucks. It just eats at you, and there's nothing you can do about it, because nothing is going to make you forget what could be wrong, even when the chances are slim. Just hope that the tests come back ASAP, all clear, and the worst thing you have to worry about your kids are skinned knees.
Thanks, Ladies. I appreciate all of your comments and support.
:( LL said it. My parents went through a ton of this crap with me as a kid and only now can I look back and realize how scared they must have been. I'm so sorry. Hope that the news for her is something very easily fixable!
Thinking good thoughts for you and TT. I know this kind of dread and fear, and it sucks. :(
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