DH and the girls are at church. I am not. Because I don't believe in God, and I feel like a fraud when I go to church.
This is something of an issue in our marriage, and I'll admit that it's a little unfair to DH. After all, I was a purported Christian when we married. I had been raised in a fundamentalist church before my parents' divorce, and in the Baptist church after. And I grew up in a very conservative, smallish town where not being Christian was not an option. Everybody went to church.
So it wasn't until I went off to college (ironically, a Baptist school) that I began to question, and be turned off by, religion. I couldn't understand why any religion demanded intolerance of others--or why one group could be so certain that it was right and everyone else was wrong.
And this was my state of mind when DH and I married. Not an atheist, slightly agnostic, mostly fed-up with organized religion. And so I attended Catholic church with his devout family, and agreed to be married in the Catholic church because it was important to them and it was not to me.
My fundamentalist relatives thought I was going to Hell for marrying a Catholic, and DH's family assumed that I would eventually convert--especially since my mother had recently converted when she married hubby #3.
We attended the Catholic church together in the early part of our marriage, and had all of our kids baptized in the Catholic church. Even before my atheistic conversion, I thought it completely unnecessary to baptize children, but I did it because it was important to my husband's family and it wasn't a point worth arguing about.
By the time the twins came along, I was pretty much agnostic and going to church with three young children was a lot of trouble (no nursery), so we rarely attended. And sometime thereafter I admitted to myself, and to DH, that I simply didn't believe--and I couldn't make myself believe.
DH does not share my disbelief--and he worries about it. I am a closet atheist. Very few friends and relatives know that I am an atheist. This is partly because my MIL would have been genuinely worried about me--and she didn't need another burden, especially in the last years of her lift. My fundamentalist grandparents would also worry--although that concerns me less, since they already think I am going to Hell.
It is also not socially appropriate to be an atheist in this part of the world. Everyone just assumes you are Christian (unless you are obviously Jewish), and atheists are presumed to be outspoken God-haters who want to destroy Christianity.
For the record, I don't hate God, and I think Christianity is a great moral guidance system. I respect everyone's right to believe--or not--they way that they want. I would just like the same respect extended to my disbelief.
Anyway, one of MIL's deathbed requests was that our children have a religious education. She was clearly bothered that we had not been taking them to church. So DH has been taking them since her death. I feel a bit of guilt for not going--church does seem to be a family kind of thing--but every time I go, I feel like a poser. I don't believe in the songs they are singing or the message the pastor is delivering. And so they go, and I do not.
They kids know my position and their dad's position. They can make the decision about their own beliefs when the time is right for them. But, as DH pointed out, from a cultural standpoint, it is good for them to go to church and learn the bible stories and common biblical references that we all know. (Although, TT has read a 2" think illustrated children's Bible from cover to cover of her own volition, so she's self-educating.)
It's not ideal, but DH and I have mostly come to terms with our different beliefs.
3 comments:
Yeah, I'm not much of a good Catholic, or much of a believer. But I do like going to church and belonging to a church for the sense of community and charity. That isn't to say every church has those things, but I like our parish and our priest, and everyone's pretty open-minded.
I've always felt that religion is taken way too seriously. Religion should help us understand ourselves - our history, our culture, our origins. Help us be better people and work for a common goal. It shouldn't tear down others, or be used an excuse for fear, hatred and allowing a select few to use those things to their advantage. That's what I want to teach my kid about religion.
Well said. I live in Utah, where you're either Mormon or a heathen. People can't seem to get that there are other options. I choose to be a good person because it's the right thing to do, not because I am afraid of damnation. My father does not understand this at all. I don't flaunt my atheism, because people think you're a devil worshiper. It's ridiculous.
My father-in-law is an atheist, my mother-in-law very Mormon. They manage to make it work and I'm sure you guys can too.
I wonder if I will be in your shoes at some point in the near future. My dad is an atheist, but my husband and I were both raised Catholic. We've gotten married in the Catholic Church and we baptized our son there, but neither of us really subscribe to the whole Catholic ideology. I think it would be nice for my son to grow up with a solid set of moral guidelines and the community that comes with religion, but at some point I feel like it's hypocritical for me to act like I believe in all of this extra stuff beyond God or spirituality.
I think the important thing is that you and your husband have found a way to coexist and raise your children in a way you can both be happy about. Good for you, that's not easy!
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