FIL, that is. He just called and dropped this little bomb on us. 3 1/2 months after MIL died. We haven't even met this woman yet.
DH is dumbfounded and I am horrified. I think it is disgraceful. Seriously, he can't be alone for ten fucking minutes? And he apparently doesn't give a shit what impact this has on his kids, who are still grieving the loss of their mom. The thought of another woman moving into her house, moving out her things, just makes me sick. (FIL literally built the house, and, of course, MIL decorated it. He's sworn he won't sell his house, but I guess that could change depending upon how the new little wifey feels.)
MIL waited on him hand and foot during the 35 years they were married--just like June and Ward. I was actually a little horrified by how old-school their relationship was. And then I became so proud of the way FIL stepped up and took care of MIL's every need when she got sick. He learned to do things that he had never had to do in his life (like cooking and laundry). He seemed to be a completely different man, and we thought that he would be ok on his own after MIL was gone.
But I guess he still needs a woman to take care of him, because his little bout of independence sure didn't last very long.
And, of course, mixed in with my anger, is very real concern. How can this not be a rebound relationship? How can they even know each other after such a short time? I'm afraid that his rush to cure loneliness will end with regret.
Ugh! I am just to horrified by this whole situation. It is going to be hard to be pleasant when they come down. I'm sure my tongue will be bloody from biting it.
8 comments:
i know it seems inconceivable, but i think this is an extremely common occurrence in men from 'that generation.' i think marriage has a different meaning and purpose than it does to people our age. . . and who knows, he may have discussed his plans with his wife before she died.
sorry to hear you and your husband are going through that though :-/
Grief does weird things to people, and he probably was grieving her death long before she actually died. My grandmother remained furious with her father, who said the night of her mother's funeral, "Now I can marry a woman from my church." (My great-grandmother was a different type of Baptist.)
It's so awkward, though, especially for your kids. It's good you'll have more family around, but...oy. What a disaster for the putative fiancee. I wouldn't want to be that woman!
H,
FIL definitely did not discuss this with MIL before she died. MIL refused to discuss it. She didn't want to go--fought like hell to stick around. I don't think she ever accepted that her time had come.
I do see your point about the generational gap, though.
EH,
WOW--I can see why your grandmother was mad.
And I keep asking what sane woman would put herself in this situation. Does she not recognize this for a rebound relationship? And is she really naive enough to this the family will just welcome her with open arms in this situation.
This poor guy lost the love of his life, and he apparently does not know how to be alone. You should either be happy he has found somebody to keep him company or you should pity him for being that lonely.
I am not sure why you and your inlaws are angry. Will your husband and his siblings leave their respective families to keep him company? And I am not talking about moving him into their houses; I am talking about going to your FIL's house, where he is comfortable, and being there with him.If they will not, being angry with him for finding someone to share his life with is selfish.
Whew, that is rough. I can only imagine how angry I would feel if that were my FIL remarrying so quickly. I'm sure it is more about just having someone there to take care of him though, and maybe it's the same for this lady. Death and grief do really weird things to people. Maybe he is feeling his own sense of mortality, and he doesn't want to spend the last few years of his life alone, or if he were to get sick, have no one there to tend to his every need like he had done for his wife.
Not saying it isn't just, ick, to get remarried so quickly, but his reasons probably have more to do with his grief and loneliness than his love for this new woman. I like to think I wouldn't just suddenly jump into a new relationship if I were widowed, but it's got to be awful to be married for so long and suddenly have an empty house. Who knows, maybe I'd do the same thing: drown my pain in someone convenient. Except for that generation, they'd get married.
But, do try to give her and "them" an honest chance, grief and resentment aside. Particularly because, if there is something horribly shady about this woman, you'll have more credibility in talking out against her if it isn't seen as merely a knee-jerk reaction to the relationship.
Along those same lines, now is definitely the time for him to sit down with an attorney for estate planning. This is exactly the situation that becomes a complete estate nightmare, with a brand new spouse and adult children who don't want to see their family's entire inheritance go to the person who's been married to their parent for a whole ten minutes.
He certainly doesn't waste any time!! :-0
Oh wow. :( That really sucks. A similar thing happened to my best friend when I was pregnant with Pumpkinhead. Her mother died of breast cancer and about 2-3 months later her father picked up and moved to another state to live and travel with another woman. It's been 7 years, they are still together and my best friend still cannot stand the woman and resents her Dad. It's a horrible sutuation.
Proto, I think you nailed it. And that's what worries us. We don't think he has processed his grief and we hate to see him jump into something just to avoid grieving. He certainly doesn't need to ahve his heart broken twice.
And, yes, we're angry because we feel like he's shutting us out and shutting off our chance to grieve. We aren't yet used to not having MIL around, and FIL is already trying to shove someone else into her place. When MIL's birthday rolls around, or our first Chirstmas without her, there will be a virtual stranger handing around.
And FIL is alienating his kids in this whole process. DH's sibs no longer feel like they can just drop in like they always have because they feel like they're intruding on "them." And despite FIL's talk about being more involved with his grandkids and taking trips with his kids he has done none of that, and instead has ignored our invitations in favor of spending all of his time with this new woman.
Fortunately, our saving grace may be the catholic church, which will require plenty of hoops for them to jump through before they can be married. (Assuming FIL doesn't suddenly renounce his faith--I guess nothing would surprise me at this point.)
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