Today was my last day of school. When I was preparing to leave and driving to school I thought that I should feel a sense of joy, or relief, or some positive emotion. Instead I was overcome with a profound sense of sadness. I became acutely aware that I don't want to graduate. I have truly enjoyed law school. I have enjoyed learning, but also, the ability to (except this semester) arrange my schedule to be home with the girls in the afternoon and I got to have lunch with DH a lot. I had a plan, things to accomplish, hurdles to jump.
Now I have jumped all hurdles but the bar. And I don't know what is coming next. I am more afraid of having to take a job that I hate than in not getting a job at all. Because if I never get an offer, at least I can go solo. But I know that I need more experience and financial stability first, so if I ever get an offer I must take it. And I hate being in that position.
So instead of being happy that I am done, I am depressed about my future. And angry that the options for my future were misrepresented to me. I liked the safety and security of school--moving on without the safety net of a job is undermines the accomplishment that completing law school should be.
P.S. Tonight I am blogging from Margaritaville, so if this post makes no sense, well, you know why.
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