So I don't quite know what to do with my current situation, with my mother being suddenly thrust upon me. I have worked hard to keep my distance from her, and I have spent more time with her this week that I have in the last 5 years.
I won't go into details, and I know that many don't understand. You can't understand if you had a good mom. It took DH a very long time to understand because he had an awesome mom--but he has finally seen enough to sort of get it.
She just never made her kids a priority. Whatever man was in her life was her top priority and my brother and I were frequently left to fend for ourselves.
So they only time we ever really got along was when I was in my early 20s. When I wasn't a responsibility or burden for her, but before I had my own kids, which were just too much of a bother and took attention away from her. She wanted a buddy, not a daughter.
And so she has been tolerable for the last few days because all of my attention has been focused on her. I've been the buddy, not distracted by my kids. I've barely seen them this week because I've been with her. But before I left today I said, "I'll come back tomorrow and bring the kids."
And she said, "As long as they don't hit my leg."
OMG--they are 10 and almost 13. They aren't toddlers--it's not like they're gonna try to crawl in her lap. She's not exactly a snugly, cookie-baking kind of Grandma anyway. But the sad fact is she doesn't want my kids around. It will take attention away from her.
And now I am being dragged into taking time away from my kids to focus on her for the next two months. I have got to figure out how to define this new relationship and draw a new line. My kids have always been and will continue to be my priority and she will have to learn that she comes after them. She won't understand--and she certainly thinks that I owe her more than I do.
But I've really missed my kids this week. And I really do not want them to have the disdain for me that I have for my mother because something else was always more important.
4 comments:
This probably sounds horrible and harsh, but:
I want to kick your mother in the leg. Really.
I didn't have a good mom, either (narcissistic personality disorder, big time), and I get it. Is there any way you can hire someone to do this for you? Because 1) she won't appreciate it, anyway, and 2) your daughters are more important.
EH said it. Narcissistic moms suck. :( Hope you can shelter your kids from that.
Based on 9 years of experience with my MIL, I understand as much as someone outside the situation can understand. And I totally get what you mean by the fact it took your husband a little while to get on board. I was the same way with JP. I had (have) a great mom and I was convinced that if he just tried a little harder, she'd come around and respond and start acting in the normal, appropriate ways I expected moms to act. I was completely wrong, but I needed to see it for myself. Now we have no contact with her at all and it would be very hard to be forced back into a situation where regular contact was necessary. She's not evil or abusive, but she's not a healthy or positive presence and having kids made us draw harsher lines. Good luck as you try to draw new ones with her recent medical needs... I don't have much advice, but I do have sympathy. And I second EH, whatever you're doing won't be enough, so figure out how much care she needs and how much you're willing to give (and how much you're willing to pay someone else to give) and then stand firm. You're a good person and the best daughter you can be for her and at this point, you owe far more to your own kids and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
Thanks for your comments and support, ladies.
She will be going to inpatient rehab, so that will take care of the primary caregiving. I am going to try to have her admitted to a facility that is close to my office so that it will be convenient for me to visit and take her to any appointments.
But I still feel like I will have to visit almost daily--because I am really the only person who really can visit on a regular basis, and it is looking like this will extend well into next year. She will have to realize that there are days when that I can't visit because of my kids or my job.
I did not go to the hospital today, the first time this week, because her siblings were supposed to visit and I had a lot of catching up to do at home this weekend. I guess that's a start.
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