So it's been nearly two months since MIL passed away--after trying to set a record for the longest Hospice stay ever. Some of the after-effects are expected and some, not so much.
I keep coming across things that I think would be perfect for MIL for Mother's Day--and then remember that I won't be buying her anything this year.
And we weren't sure how the kids would be affected. A few days ago SS overheard DH and I talking, and then burst in to tears because she missed Grandma.
And TT is just not herself. She's been a punk to her sisters lately, but also spacey and unfocused (this would be the kids who let the sink overflow). We've been waking her up a half hour before her sisters after she made them late for school three days in a row, and she is still the last one ready every day. And we had a teacher conference last week, where we learned that her math grades are inexplicably dropping and she has been very clingy with her teacher. We've since been trying to ensure that she get more individual attention (no easy task when your kids outnumber you).
And then there is FIL. He started dating less than a month after MIL was buried. He is now officially "seeing someone." It is certainly an understatement to say that we were all stunned by this development. FIL was absolutely devoted to MIL throughout her entire illness, and in her last days he refused to leave her side. I don't like it, but I'm just the in-law. DH doesn't like it, but doesn't feel like its his place to say anything, that his dad has been through enough, and that he is an adult who can make his own decisions. SIL is devastated and this is having a huge affect on her and her relationship with her dad. She told him that she was irritated, but FIL just kind of brushed her off. Meanwhile, news of FILs new relationship is spreading throughout my smallish hometown, and SIL has been asked about it. Ugh! I don't even want to think about the gossip.
We had booked a cabin for Memorial Day shortly after MIL passed away, and intended to invite FIL, but didn't want to be too pushy. When DH finally invited him last week, he already had plans to visit someone else's cabin. And of course we're all wondering whether his new friend will be accompanying him.
I get that he was in the role of a caregiver for the last year and was acting more like a parent than a spouse. But two months--really? Is he incapable of spending any time alone? Of processing the loss of his wife of 35 years? And what woman in her right mind would want to get in the middle of that situation.
8 comments:
I think this is more common than we realize. My grandfather did the same thing - my grandmother died in August of 1994, and in December of 1994 (at my wedding, which was very fun for all in attendance) he announced his engagement to wife no. 2. His kids (my mother included) were shocked, appalled, devastated.
Before he was engaged, we all witnessed streams of older, single women hovering around with casseroles and cardigans ... pretty much swooping in on the brand new widower. (he lived in a retirement community.)
He and his new wife were married for another 10 years, at least, before he passed away. They seemed to be pretty happy, and not lonely.
As strange and perplexing as it all was.
Yes, I think it's common for an older man who was married for so long to be very scared of the idea of being alone.
Thirding the comments - pretty common thing. A lifetime of togetherness yields a person who wants togetherness. In addition, I think the processing of life-without-spouse begins when the cancer death march begins - so even as you remain faithful and steadfast to your spouse, your spirit is already steeling itself for life after.
See www.fatcyclist.com - a devoted, wonderful, dedicated (and young) husband through his wife's multi-year cancer illness, and clearly absolutely devastated by her death, he nevertheless is already married to a family friend less than a year after his wife passed away. He has written pretty eloquently on the topic.
As long as she's an appropriate lady (i.e. not a gold digging 20 year old or otherwise just weird), I think it should be looked on as positively as possible. I know that's hard to do, though, as you all are still moving through the grief process.
I think it would be immensely difficult for you guys to have to watch FIL date someone else so soon after MIL has passed away. I can't see myself dating anyone for, like, forever, if Husband died before me, but grief does strange things to people. The loneliness has to be unbearable. Maybe that lady's lonely too.
It isn't just the older people who will start dating right away either. This guy I worked for many years ago, his wife died in childbirth (along with the infant). It was horrible. They had a 2 year old, and he was completely lost without his wife, she was this career woman super mom that did everything for him. After she died, he was engaged to another woman six months later, an old friend from college who had come in from out of state to help him out. I thought it was horrible at the time, and I'm not sure I think much differently of it now, but I see other perspectives on it now.
wow, that does seem very soon! i'm sorry about all the hard after-effects. I bet it's especially hard to watch your kids go through their pain- I'm sure acting out is a normal way for kids to deal with hard issues- I think I remember doing that a lot when I was a kid :)
Same story for me, except it was my dad not my in-law. It was so new that I hadn't even had a chance/gotten the strength up to clean out my mom's closet. I lived out of town so the new girlfriends and her friends cleaned it out when GF decided she wanted to move in.
Just as a follow up - re-reading what I said, I want to be clear I would completely feel upset and weird and unhappy if my father was dating someone very soon after my mother died. My comment - which I would have *said* sympathetically, though it reads as rather judgey judgerson - was meant to reassure you that your FIL is probably not crazy or in trouble or in need of intervention. I think what's happening with him is very normal, but I'm sure it compounds the grief to have such a headspinning turn in family makeup. Your SIL - I get it. I get her. I'd BE her, I'm sure.
Thanks to all for your comments. I know this scenario is not especially uncommon, but it is still hard.
Zuska--how have you been? I hope all is well with you. I miss reading about you and your girls.
AG--how awful! I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Gillian, I didn't take your comment as judgey at all. (BTW, I used the phrase judgey judgerson all the time, so it made me smile to see it pop up.)
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